Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You never use a semicolon in punctuation, partly because you don’t know how they’re used but also because it reminds you of the two things involved in your first sexual experience.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Now the sun is finally shining this summer and the temperature is in the 30s, make the most of it by not showering at all and frequenting as many crowded public places as possible. Somebody, apparently, has to do it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Bad news this week as your months of pissing up against the side of the barracks and burying your shit in the parade ground has failed to get you into the Territorial Army.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Tsk. If somebody told you to jump off a cliff, would you? Wait, really? I may get back to you on that one.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Pinch, punch, razor to the Achilles tendon, Chinese burn and hoof in the love balloons, 25th of the month. No backsies.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your application to theYoung Conservatives is accepted after you remark that, if the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer, it clearly proves the poor had more money than they were letting on in the first place.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Living in shared accommodation requires a bit of give and take, so you tell your housemate that if he doesn’t give that Bon Iver CD a fucking rest you’re going to take a hacksaw to his elbows.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
While the cinema remake of The Sweeney is all very well, what you’re really waiting for is the feature films versions of Crown CourtFingerbobs and Pebble Mill At One.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir? Oh forget it, I’ll find my way to the public library myself.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your Superstar audition should have gone better than it did – how many contestants turned up with a hooker and a bag full of eels?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You tell yourself it’s no bad thing that1200 extra troops have been posted to the Olympic site, as you don the fishnets and get the train to Stratford with a handbag full of wet wipes.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re thrown out of your local beauty clinic this week for asking if they’ve got any of that awesome-sounding laser hair they’re always removing.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Hot, sunny weather makes working in an office 84% more frustrating

You cannot go outside because you have to do things on a computer, say bosses.