Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you’ll pledge to people in your constituency that if re-elected you will eat 478 shredded wheat every single day.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Counting to ten is a good way to calm down and may also explain, given your educational record, why you’re so angry all the time.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A colleague asks if you want something from the shop on Monday, you reply “A tenner from the till!” and by Thursday you’re on the run from police leaving a trail of dead in your wake.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A huge windfall is on the horizon for you, possibly involving the roof of your car and the branch off a sycamore tree.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Wednesday a tall, dark stranger will walk into your life, says “Sorry, wrong office” then leave.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
They say there’s no link between astrology and political leanings but as a Leo you are four times more likely to vote for a party that lives off preying on the weak and the elderly. You know who I mean.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The colour pink has always been lucky for you but this luck will run out at the weekend when that’s the colour your pregnancy test goes.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’ve been really good on your diet for the last couple of months so why not treat yourself to a slap-up meal and a damned good seeing-to from a man-whore?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Either your aura has gone a very funny colour or my glaucoma is coming back.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re now in the third week of celebrations after gettings full bars of 3 mobile reception.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a very spiritual person you don’t believe in the hegemony of possessions, as demonstrated when it’s your turn to buy a round.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
100,000 people have signed a petition calling for you to sod off. So. Off you sod.

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BBC licence to be replaced by Poldark stud fees

THE BBC’s new funding plan is based on hiring out Poldark for breeding purposes.

The corporation admitted the licence fee is outdated, but stressed that handsome swarthy babies will never go out of fashion and you could have one for a ‘low six-figure fee’.

A spokesman said: “He is our prize bull. We have a Poldark insemination pen built by one of the vets off Countryfile.

“If this works we have a lot of other hot actors to use as breeding stock, including those who fucked off to ITV without reading the small print.”

Office manager Helen Archer said: “I would love a little Poldark baby and my husband is fine as we could lease it out for costume dramas.

“I would want the service to include 10 minutes’ of chit chat about a topical news story.”