Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you’ll pledge to people in your constituency that if re-elected you will eat 478 shredded wheat every single day.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Counting to ten is a good way to calm down and may also explain, given your educational record, why youre so angry all the time.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A colleague asks if you want something from the shop on Monday, you reply A tenner from the till! and by Thursday youre on the run from police leaving a trail of dead in your wake.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A huge windfall is on the horizon for you, possibly involving the roof of your car and the branch off a sycamore tree.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Wednesday a tall, dark stranger will walk into your life, says Sorry, wrong office then leave.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
They say theres no link between astrology and political leanings but as a Leo you are four times more likely to vote for a party that lives off preying on the weak and the elderly. You know who I mean.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The colour pink has always been lucky for you but this luck will run out at the weekend when thats the colour your pregnancy test goes.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Youve been really good on your diet for the last couple of months so why not treat yourself to a slap-up meal and a damned good seeing-to from a man-whore?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Either your aura has gone a very funny colour or my glaucoma is coming back.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re now in the third week of celebrations after gettings full bars of 3 mobile reception.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a very spiritual person you don’t believe in the hegemony of possessions, as demonstrated when it’s your turn to buy a round.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
100,000 people have signed a petition calling for you to sod off. So. Off you sod.