Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’ve been given your quarterly targets in work today and as usual, it’s ‘brush your teeth at least twice a week’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The stigma around meeting people on dating websites has largely disappeared, but not ones with the word ‘piss’ in the title.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There are concerns among you peer group this week as you extend your interest in vintage things to include your views on women and race.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You sicken me. No, not you, the one stood next to you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A positive outlook will see you through most situations, like the one this Saturday where you’re positive that bloke in the pub is going to punch you.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A new level in loneliness this Monday when Groupon spontaneously remove you from their email database without you asking.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After the cash machine declines your card for the sixth time on Friday night you realise you’re in your flat, you’re trying to stick a digestive into the toaster and you’re rat-arsed.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Not everyone is as cold and analytical as you are, so why not close down that spreadsheet you created the next time your wife asks how much you love her?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you fondle us, do we not give you fifty quid?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Scented candles, bubble bath, glass of wine, Bach on the stereo…this is shaping up to be a sensational wank.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your job situation could change dramatically on Monday as you manage to land a big interview, but your brief advises you to answer ‘No comment’ to all questions.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As the weather improves, so does your diet, with healthy salads replacing the chips and pies. And then, by Thursday, you decide to fuck that for a laugh.

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Turin Shroud back on display with added Nike swoosh

THE Turin Shroud has been updated to reflect that Jesus would have worn mid-priced sportswear if he were alive today.

Pope Francis authorised the addition of the Nike swoosh to make Jesus seem more relevant to today’s youth. An order of blind Italian nuns laboured for five years to embroider the swoosh using thread spun from the hair of a thousand Catholic virgins.

Cardinal Wayne Hayes said: “We liked the aesthetic of Adidas by Stella McCartney but didn’t want Jesus to seem like a posh wanker, whereas Hi-Tec at the other end would have made him seem like a schoolkid who was crap at PE.

“Nike clothing would have made Jesus look cool during casual sermons, yet is sporty enough for him to work up a sweat doing something physical like overturning the tables of the money lenders.”

15-year-old tourist Nikki Hollis, who was among the first to view the newly unveiled shroud, said: “I can see what they’re getting at but everyone at school is into Jack Wills now.

“What is cool though is that these people are mental enough to think that some vague splodges on a bit of old linen are the imprint of Christ. Are they all on crystal meth or something?”