Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) Still no word from the bank on your business idea for a brand of chocolate wafers called Thin Feels.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) A T-Rex’s vsion was based on movement but at art college your vision was based in multimedia installations and musique concrete.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You’re a real grouch in the office until you have your first coffee. And by ‘coffee’ I mean ‘crack pipe’, and by ‘the office’ I mean ‘back-street massage parlour’ and by ‘grouch’ I mean ‘psychotically violent’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP) This Sunday you’re on a ragga tip, although most of the other people are just dumping dancehall or rocksteady. The council should do something, really.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) On Friday you go to see a personal appearance by Meghan Trainor in your local nightclub but the bouncers won’t let her in.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV) It’s time to knuckle down, grab the bull by the horns, get your nose to the grindstone and think of some other phrases about procrastination to avoid getting stuff done.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) On Monday you’ll announce your US Presidential candidacy, safe in the knowledge that with Donald Trump in the race you won’t come last.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Unable to afford the fare to take your family to fight in Syria, tomorrow you drag your kids to Asda for the reduced-price section ten minutes before closing time.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Don’t be embarrassed about your thinning hair as you get older. Pretty soon you won’t have to shave your legs at all.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) A journey home to see all your family is made a lot more relaxing this week when you cancel your train tickets and don’t go.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) Your tattoo addiction goes one step further tomorrow when you book to have your spleen taken out, a picture of a dolphin etched on it, and put back in.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Not suitable for children, the elderly, pregnant women, short blokes, Armenians, most members of Razorlight or the deaf.