Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
On Friday you book a last minute city break on a great deal with 80 per cent off. It’s the city you live in, but still a bargain.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You decide to do an English remake of The Shining just so when Jack Torrance breaks through the door he can say “Knife to see you, to see you knife!”

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This weekend you enjoy a load of ‘legal highs’ before they’re made illegal, including laughter and optimism.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
On Friday you finish Jonathan Franzen’s blockbusting new literary novel Purity, only to realise that nobody saw you so it was a complete waste of time.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your sign sounds like a grain grown on a Mediterranean island. Capri corn. You could’ve been called Gozobarley. How odd is that?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s Friday, it’s 4pm, it’s a training course. The trainer asks if anyone has any more questions. People are packing away their desk and putting on their coats. Now is your time to shine.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re going to be reading a lot of poetry this week, and if you don’t give me £5 then I’ll tell Taurus and he’ll duff you up. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
After years of saying “I’m mad, me” the authorities take you at your word. You will never see your home again.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
No word from the Hollyoaks producers yet about your suggestion they randomly cut and paste every line of dialogue in the scripts to turn it into a Burroughs-esque masterpiece of dislocation.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
To get your house ready for the builders next week you tramp 50kg of soil through your house and leave a slowly-dissolving dump in the upstairs toilet.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s annoying when something looks better in the changing room than when you get home, but in fairness you had stuffed it up your jumper before legging it out the shop.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Celebrity Leos include Jennifer Lawrence, Cara Delevingne and Chris Hemsworth, and they’ve all agreed you’re lowering the tone of the whole sign and are taking legal action to have you removed.