Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
?On Monday you take a knife to a gun fight and are excused the fight by the teacher in charge and allowed to go on the computers in the library.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You score highly on being sexy, intense and observant, but low on being trusting or optimistic, so Aries wins this round of Zodiac Top Trumps and takes all your cards.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Tomorrow, expect to see the constellation of your star sign for the first time and realise it looks not like an archer, but like roadkill. Which is how you’ve always felt inside.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a barnyard animal sign, you will spend the next week campaigning for politicians to let their livestock lovers live.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week, you dream you are a butterfly dreaming of being a man dreaming of a threesome with Tom Hardy and Patsy Kensit in her 1980s heyday.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The ‘gamble responsibly’ signs in your bookies don’t seem to be working as you bet your mate £300 that they would be introduced in 2012.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
After rehearsing a really good chant for when your team wins you realise with disappointment that you’re a Liverpool fan and as such unlikely to use it this side of Christmas.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)?
Scorpio enters your sign tomorrow night, crawling across your face while you’re asleep and sucking moisture out from under your eyelids.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)?
You share your star sign with Jeremy Corbyn, and like him you are a threat to the country’s security, economic security and ordinary hard-working families’ security, you bastard.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your first day as a Westminster barber goes badly on Monday when the Prime Minister comes in for a trim, you tell him ‘lean back’ and he goes absolutely spare.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)?
After your tenants association agree a new treasurer, vote on the introduction of ‘No Ball Game’ signs and report on the success of the recent bake sale, talk inevitably turns to the eight-foot statue of a naked Noel Edmonds you’ve erected in your garden.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)?
You pride yourself as a patient and generous lover but given that you live in Carlisle that simply means you push the seats back in your car and switch the heater on.

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Woman’s belief system based on quotes from sandwich boards outside bars

A WOMAN has based all her thinking on philosophical quotes written on chalk boards outside local businesses.

Nikki Hollis always reads what is written on the board outside her favourite coffee shop and then ponders it for the rest of the day before deciding whether to integrate it into her belief system.

She said: “I’m not big on book reading and that kind of thing so reading sandwich boards is like a quick way to get wisdom.

“There was one about ‘life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans’, which I really liked and have since decided to live my life by. So, I don’t make plans for anything anymore, I just live my life.

“That one kind of impacted on my best friend’s 30th birthday party but I’m sure she understood that I was just living life as John Lennon told me to.

“She got angry but I said I was just loving the life I live and living the life I love.”

She said: “There was also one about the how ‘the soup of the day is gin’, but I couldn’t really put that into my overall outlook on the world but it did make me chuckle.’

“Sometimes I read interesting graffiti in toilets too. There was one that said ‘eat the rich’, but I don’t think I would do that.”