Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
?On Monday you take a knife to a gun fight and are excused the fight by the teacher in charge and allowed to go on the computers in the library.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You score highly on being sexy, intense and observant, but low on being trusting or optimistic, so Aries wins this round of Zodiac Top Trumps and takes all your cards.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Tomorrow, expect to see the constellation of your star sign for the first time and realise it looks not like an archer, but like roadkill. Which is how you’ve always felt inside.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a barnyard animal sign, you will spend the next week campaigning for politicians to let their livestock lovers live.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week, you dream you are a butterfly dreaming of being a man dreaming of a threesome with Tom Hardy and Patsy Kensit in her 1980s heyday.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The ‘gamble responsibly’ signs in your bookies don’t seem to be working as you bet your mate £300 that they would be introduced in 2012.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
After rehearsing a really good chant for when your team wins you realise with disappointment that you’re a Liverpool fan and as such unlikely to use it this side of Christmas.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)?
Scorpio enters your sign tomorrow night, crawling across your face while you’re asleep and sucking moisture out from under your eyelids.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)?
You share your star sign with Jeremy Corbyn, and like him you are a threat to the country’s security, economic security and ordinary hard-working families’ security, you bastard.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your first day as a Westminster barber goes badly on Monday when the Prime Minister comes in for a trim, you tell him ‘lean back’ and he goes absolutely spare.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)?
After your tenants association agree a new treasurer, vote on the introduction of ‘No Ball Game’ signs and report on the success of the recent bake sale, talk inevitably turns to the eight-foot statue of a naked Noel Edmonds you’ve erected in your garden.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)?
You pride yourself as a patient and generous lover but given that you live in Carlisle that simply means you push the seats back in your car and switch the heater on.