Sir Alex Ferguson launches The Alex Ferguson Library

FORMER United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has launched The Alex Ferguson Library, which delivers a new Alex Ferguson autobiography to your door every month.

The mail order service will offer classics like Alex Ferguson: My Autobiography and Alex Ferguson: Managing My Life alongside new volumes like Alex Ferguson: My Life Managing and The Autobiography of Alex Ferguson.

Ferguson said: “The market has shown that it can bear one autobiography a year by the most successful manager since English football began in 1992, so why not 12?

“You can look forward to finding out why I dropped Wayne Rooney that time, why I dropped Roy Keane that other time, a 90,000 word account of that boot being kicked at Beckham’s eyebrow as written by the boot, and a few pages of filler about Lee Sharpe.”

The first volume of the series will cost £1.99 and come with a special 22ft-long slipcase to hold the rest of the books, leaving buyers morally obliged to buy the full set at £15.99 apiece.

Each volume will feature a thin vertical slice of Ferguson’s face on the spine, building up to a full magnificent portrait over the projected 128 editions in purple, violet, indigo and mauve.

United fan Tom Booker said: “I can’t wait to read all the best bits in newspaper serialisations the week before, then to put the volume by my bed every month while I watch goal compilations on my iPad.”

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Grumpy bastards secretly delighted to see Christmas decorations going up

PEOPLE with nothing in their lives but their own incessant whining have smiled inwardly as shops start wheeling out Christmas tat.

Despite tinsel appearing on shelves at the same time every year since 1991, curmudgeons are enjoying being able to state that it all comes earlier every year.

Old bastard Martin Bishop said: “It’s all so commercialised these days. It’s been that way my entire adult life but let’s pretend it’s getting worse.

“Absurdly early Christmas decorations are like catnip for my inexhaustible, petty rage. Seeing them go up is actually a festival in itself – a perverse celebration of bitterness.

“It’ll be the bloody carol singers next. Either turning up on the doorstep and getting on my tits because I have to get out of my chair, or not turning up and making me sad about the demise of another British tradition.”

Moody grandmother Mary Fisher said: “Bloody Christmas is bloody everywhere. If it wasn’t I’d be complained about how they’ve banned it because the refugees don’t like it.

“Every alternative gives me a chance to feel thwarted.”