Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Remember, if you stare at The Abyss for too long, it’s probably because you’ve got the director’s cut blu-ray.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your Classics exam goes badly when you describe the religion of the ancient Greeks as an ‘Apollo Creed’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Chrissie Hynde likes to sing “Nothing you confess can make me love you less” but when you tell her you like to shoot at dogs with an air rifle she goes proper mental.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Celebrity Aries include Zoella and Tyler Oakley. Your star sign is now internet-only.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
You know your sign comes from like a weird old story about a woman doing it with a bull, right? Yeah that wouldn’t happen now. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
An absolutely cracking week lies in store for Scorpio, which is a shame for you as you’re a Gemini.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This is no time to panic. 7:42pm on Thursday, that’s the time to panic.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A bad start to the week as you realise you messed up your appearance on Celebrity Big Brother by mistakenly entering a different house full of imbeciles. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Plans to bankrupt a casino fail on Friday as they refuse to let you use a Pop-O-Matic at the craps table. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You woke up early today, so had time for a quick ‘revenge reshuffle’ before having a shower and heading to work.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
For 2016, you’ve vowed not to get involved with any unholy attempts to re-animate the dead by use of science or necromancy. It’s a great vow because it sounds impressive but is amazingly easy to carry out. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I ain’t say this, but Libra been disrespecting your crew. You gotta step to them.

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Kim Jong-un promises he will only use nukes if he wants to

THE leader of North Korea has sworn to only use nuclear weapons if he is really in the mood. 

Kim Jong-un, who took over running the family dictatorship in 2012, has told Western powers that use of the hydrogen bomb will be reserved for an occasion of extreme wanting-to. 

He continued: “For example, today is my birthday so I treated myself to the detonation of a six kiloton hydrogen bomb, which is fair enough. 

“But what I won’t do is order the nuking of say Tokyo just because I’ve been brought corked wine or don’t like that night’s episode of Lewis

“If that happens I’ll be self-disciplined and just shoot a few relatives as usual.”

The international community has responded with relief to the news, which a US spokesman said was “the strongest assurance they could possibly have hoped for.”

The spokesman added: “Now we can completely stop worrying about North Korea and concentrate on Iran. 

“They’ve had wars with Saddam Hussain and ISIS, you know. We can’t trust people like that.”