OFFICE workers who came in over Christmas did absolutely f**k all and are now off, everyone else has discovered.
The employees, who were thanked in advance for their selflessness, were thought to have spent three to five days shouldering the burdens of others but instead played games on their phones.
Marketing manager Joanna Kramer said: “The Christmas elves we were promised turned out to be a load of lazy bastards who only put any effort into ferreting out Miniature Heroes.
“There hasn’t been so much as an email forwarded, though I suppose they did tidy up those boxes of stationery.
“Oh. No, they stole them.”
Evidence has been found of waste-paper golf tournaments, Pot Noodle consumption and, in the executive boardroom where a takeover bid was discussed, a small plastic stick of dynamite from Buckaroo!.
Nathan Muir of Wood Green said: “We were only there to avoid spending time with family. Lovely to be off now, though.”