Everyone who worked over Christmas didn't, office finds

OFFICE workers who came in over Christmas did absolutely f**k all and are now off, everyone else has discovered.

The employees, who were thanked in advance for their selflessness, were thought to have spent three to five days shouldering the burdens of others but instead played games on their phones.

Marketing manager Joanna Kramer said: “The Christmas elves we were promised turned out to be a load of lazy bastards who only put any effort into ferreting out Miniature Heroes.

“There hasn’t been so much as an email forwarded, though I suppose they did tidy up those boxes of stationery.

“Oh. No, they stole them.”

Evidence has been found of waste-paper golf tournaments, Pot Noodle consumption and, in the executive boardroom where a takeover bid was discussed, a small plastic stick of dynamite from Buckaroo!.

Nathan Muir of Wood Green said: “We were only there to avoid spending time with family. Lovely to be off now, though.”

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'Career change' a myth to keep workers docile

THE idea that workers can switch jobs is a myth put about to stop them become depressed and unproductive, it has emerged.

Employers are told to respond positively to workers’ stupid plans to go off and work in a monkey sanctuary or become a crime writer, safe in the knowledge that it will never work out.

Company director Donna Sheridan said: “Our telesales staff are tied to this place by rent, mortgages and being mentally good-for-nothing thanks to years of brain-numbing toil.

“But if they realised they’ll be putting numbers into a computer until they retire and get a plastic clock, they’d probably lie down under their desks waiting to die.

“Sometimes I casually mention a woman from marketing who retrained and became an Apache attack helicopter pilot. Obviously it’s bollocks, but they love it.”

Sales manager Tom Logan, 40, said: “People are always successfully following their dreams, so I’m sure I can redo my GCSEs, A-levels and degree and take out a huge loan in order to become a brilliant doctor like Hugh Laurie in House.

“My boss was incredibly supportive and bought me a stethoscope before telling me to get on the fucking phone and sell more bathroom fittings.”