Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Gemini is often grouped with Scorpio, Leo and ironically Virgo because you are all signs with stripper names.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Not long to go now until the EU vote, but you are still waiting to see what Geoff down the pub reckons, as he’s usually reliably belligerent.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your Twitter account is still suspended so you have been reduced to ringing on people’s doorbells, asking if anyone famous lives there and if so, saying they are a whore.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not raise morale at work by shouting your fucking mouth once in a while?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You are always being told it’s trendy to photograph what you had for dinner and put it on Instagram but your pictures of you sobbing next to four empty cans of Kestrel aren’t getting many likes.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After booking an appointment with a perfumier to find a scent that will make you irresistible to women in your neighbourhood, you now have a small bottle of ‘Essence of GBH arrest sheet’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Summertime, and the living is easy. Like your mum.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your horoscope this week is one of those lovely old ones off Teletext page 128. Ah, really nostalgic. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A disappointing weekend on the leisure front when you go to a fish restaurant, because nobody likes a fish restaurant. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your career prospects improve tomorrow when you discover you are a giant shapeshifting alien lizard, like the Queen and the Bilderberg Group, and you start including it on your CV. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
This week your barista at Starbucks gets your name right and your order completely wrong, and you concede yes, it was better the other way.  

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Like fellow Taurean Lily Allen, your father is Keith Allen. Sorry. Didn’t know how to break it to you. 

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Bjork going to f**k Ronaldo up

ICELANDIC singer Bjork is flying to France to kick Cristiano Ronaldo’s arse, police have confirmed. 

The singer, famous for her precision takedown of a journalist at Bangkok Airport in 1996, has promised to “fuck up Ronaldo like Iceland’s volcanic emissions fuck up flights” for his disparaging remarks about her home country. 

Bjork said: “I’ll show him a small mentality. By the time I’m finished with that preening bitch you’ll be able to fit what’s left in a puffin. 

“Using all my best moves, from slamming his head against a concrete floor to a full performance of challenging electronica about my divorce. 

“Gonna do to you what our left-wing socialist government does to bankers. Yeah you better run.” 

Ronaldo said: “I offer a full and frank apology for my intemperate and erroneous comments. 

“I now accept that Iceland were the better team, that I am nothing but a spoilt, gelled child, and that Portugal has never produced a successful international music act. 

“We are good for nothing but cork.”