Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After a Pakistani politician puts a $100,000 bounty on the head of the filmmaker of ‘Innocence Of The Muslims’, you have a whip round with your friends to get £500 and Zack Snyder’s home address.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your work life and productivity has improved greatly ever since you managed to get yourself a daisical.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
While you’re glad that The Sun went with your ad slogan “Get Involved” you’re disappointed that they didn’t go with the rest of the slogan “In A Disgusting Smear Campaign That Should Make You Want To Dive Off Beachy Head In Shame & Self-Disgust”

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You queued for hours outside the shop but you finally managed to get your lovely, shiny new phone. You just need to look online for how to change the ringtone on a Nokia 1680.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A friend who works in television says that, despite their jovial and relaxed appearance, even after 18 years both Ant & Dec maintain rumble-readiness.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
There’s no pleasing some people – your sister got annoyed when you laughed your arse off after you saw her first newborn kid but apparently offering your deepest condolences after seeing the second one isn’t appropriate either.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A frustratingly surreal day in the kitchen as you open the cupboard to find the strong flour has twisted the lids off all the jars.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re still on the run from the police after your boss discovered you’d been ejaculating into colleagues’ tea cups. Your mugshot is everywhere.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
While Speyside whiskies tend to be quite delicate and the Islay malts heavier and more smoky, the one your neighbour knocks out in his shed generally causes you to go blind for a couple of hours and induces mindbuggering panic attacks.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The nights are drawing in and it’s getting chilly outside so it’s time to knock the naked Satanic rituals on the head until next year and go back to the good old C of E.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Tracing back your family tree really teaches you a lot about history, such as which offences have been hanging offences for the last 200 years.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your platonic female friend made a bet that if you were both single in ten years’ time you’d marry each other. That was 9 years and 10 months’ ago and she’s currently trawling a homeless shelter using the finger buffet reception as an inducement.



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Young entrepreneurs ‘could cripple economy’

TRENDY but utterly pointless businesses set up by hip young entrepreneurs could cripple the UK’s economy, experts have warned.

Economists are worried that programmes like Dragons’ Den and Be Your Own Boss are encouraging young entrepreneurs to set up businesses that are ‘wicked’ and ‘the boom shizzle’ as opposed to viable.

Economist Tom Logan said: “The UK economy is becoming over-dependent on headphone beanie hats, ironic mobile phone covers, sushi box delivery services and other trendy shit I can barely bring myself to describe.

“The problem is that the market for these products can instantly collapse when people realise that a ‘funky festival tent’ is essentially just a tent that costs £150 more because it’s got pictures of Miffy on it.

“This could lead to a depression similar to that of 1930s Germany, except people will be begging for a crust of bread whilst wearing Manga-themed backpacks.”

Young entrepreneur and CEO of ‘Urban Vibez Aksezories’ Nikki Hollis said: “Even when times are tough there will always be a demand for surfboards customised with Banksy-esque graffiti of gay robot policeman.

“Last year I had a turnover of well over £2,000, although I also have debts of £190,000 and my parents have had to remortgage their house to stop me going to prison.”

Fellow entrepreneur Nathan Muir said: “I’ve already made my first seven figure debt from a ghetto-themed inflatable skating rink.

“My next project is a cannibal-inspired street food restaurant where the sausages look like human penises.”

It is estimated that 24% of the UK’s GDP is based on eco-friendly smoothies.