Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I’m afraid you’re decision to swap your office chair for a bottle of White Lighting means you can no longer describe yourself as a ‘functioning’ alcoholic.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No, I haven’t washed it. Why do you think you’re being paid time and a half?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Make new friends, but keep the old. The first are silver, the second are gold. And the ones that don’t mind giving you the odd knee-trembler with no strings attached are fucking platinum.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After agonising amusingly over the intangible complexities of love against a beautiful Manhattan backdrop, you come to a dramatically satisfying, bittersweet conclusion. Now repeat for the next 35 bastarding years.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week, make some spurious claim about broadband speeds safe in the knowledge that it won’t make any real difference because your competitors are as full of shit as you are.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Delight as archaeologists confirm that in 60,000 years’ time, one of the few remaining artefacts of 21st century civilisation will definitely be the four star review some student paper gave your fucking nightmare of a show.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After a flawless routine and a perfect dismount, you let yourself down by wiping your penis on the guinea pig.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why not fool all your friends this week and pretend to have a stroke by sitting in drooling silence and feigning incontinence?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you struggle to remember whether ‘i’ goes before ‘e’, just remember the simple rhyme: “I’m a fucking moron who should be herded into a camp with all the other morons”. You’d realise that doesn’t rhyme, if you weren’t such a fucking moron.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like. I also want to become mayor, impregnate some women, deny it and ruin a popular television quiz show. Can you guess who I am yet? (5, 7)

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week your wedding will get off to a shaky start when you repeat your vows while cupping the vicar’s testicles.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my
dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a
straight razor… and surviving. Jesus Christ, what time is it? I think I should probably go to bed. 


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other day, I was driving to Dixons
to pick up a new Super Woofer for my Nissan Almeira and I happened to
stop at a traffic lights next to a rather attractive lady in a red
mini. I immediately deduced she was probably a slut because she was
listening to The Saturdays at full volume, so I attempted to engage
her in some idle chit-chat on the off chance it would lead to some
roadside hanky panky. Unfortunately, as soon as I’d revved the engine
and sexily mouthed the words ‘how about it?’, she threw back her head
and laughed like an evil banshee, and then accelerated off into the
distance. Do you think I’ve lost my mojo, or
was that woman just playing hard to get?

Dear Graham,
If you really want to be friends with
girls, you’d better get used to the idea that they don’t really care
about fast cars or powerful speakers, or even how many worms you’ve
collected in a jar. If you want to retrieve your mojo, may I suggest
you learn a few skipping rhymes, or how to play hopscotch, or even
how to make rose-petal and grass perfume. Also, don’t mock the fact
that we like to brush the hair of sinister plastic babies, and
pretend to eat invisible cakes and drink invisible tea served from a
plastic dinner service. And don’t forget that what we hate most of
all is little boys showing off like idiots and trying to impress us
with their ridiculous toys. You need to get it into your head that
until you lose the macho attitude, you won’t be invited to play in
the Wendy House.
Hope that helps!