Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I’m afraid you’re decision to swap your office chair for a bottle of White Lighting means you can no longer describe yourself as a ‘functioning’ alcoholic.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No, I haven’t washed it. Why do you think you’re being paid time and a half?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Make new friends, but keep the old. The first are silver, the second are gold. And the ones that don’t mind giving you the odd knee-trembler with no strings attached are fucking platinum.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After agonising amusingly over the intangible complexities of love against a beautiful Manhattan backdrop, you come to a dramatically satisfying, bittersweet conclusion. Now repeat for the next 35 bastarding years.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week, make some spurious claim about broadband speeds safe in the knowledge that it won’t make any real difference because your competitors are as full of shit as you are.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Delight as archaeologists confirm that in 60,000 years’ time, one of the few remaining artefacts of 21st century civilisation will definitely be the four star review some student paper gave your fucking nightmare of a show.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After a flawless routine and a perfect dismount, you let yourself down by wiping your penis on the guinea pig.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why not fool all your friends this week and pretend to have a stroke by sitting in drooling silence and feigning incontinence?
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you struggle to remember whether ‘i’ goes before ‘e’, just remember the simple rhyme: “I’m a fucking moron who should be herded into a camp with all the other morons”. You’d realise that doesn’t rhyme, if you weren’t such a fucking moron.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like. I also want to become mayor, impregnate some women, deny it and ruin a popular television quiz show. Can you guess who I am yet? (5, 7)
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week your wedding will get off to a shaky start when you repeat your vows while cupping the vicar’s testicles.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my
dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a
straight razor… and surviving. Jesus Christ, what time is it? I think I should probably go to bed.