Cool Pupils Celebrate Poor GCSE Results

THE nation’s cool teenagers are celebrating their worst GCSE results ever after being too hip to make the slightest effort.

Cool teenagers, classified as those who are popular, good-looking and in a band, scored a record average low of four Ds, two Es and an N, which means they didn’t turn up to an exam because they were off their tits in a squat with some 20-year olds.

Educationalist, Emma Bradford, said: “The UK’s dangerously beautiful young hipsters have scored their poorest ever grades, successfully proving that they don’t give a shit what the establishment thinks of them.

“They are doubtless pleased, in a nonchalant sort of way, that they have thwarted any attempts by the government to make the exams easier to pass.

“So they will be partying all this week in converted lofts with a mixture of Skins extras and minor indie celebrities, meeting people who know Alexa Chung and possibly experimenting with heroin for the first time. The little shits.”

Tom Logan, 17, who prefers to be known simply as ‘T’, scored 5 Fs and a K. He is now hoping to do a lot of gigs with his electro-grunge band The Crack Eskimoes and have sex with a massive amount of girls.

He said: “I wouldn’t say I’m pleased or sad about the results. It’s simply not relevant to me or my art, not that you’d understand.

“Maybe in five years’ time I’ll be working on the pork counter in Morrisons while all the nerds are earning 100K in the City, but I won’t even care because I’ll have my memories of debauched sex and drug experiences which they would gladly sell their souls for.”

Tom’s classmate, Joseph Turner, who got 10 A*s, said “I feel like the hard work’s really paid off. My parents are really pleased and have already bought me a book about the Oxbridge entry process.

“So, what’s this ‘vagina’ I’ve been hearing so much about?”


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Cat Bin Lady Signed By Cowell

FREAK wrangler Simon Cowell has signed a 50-year-old woman after footage of her slamdunking a cat became an internet sensation.

Charity shop model Mary Bale will record a range of feline-related covers for her debut CD, including The Cure’s Love Cats, Cool for Cats by Squeeze and Paula Abdul’s Opposites Attract featuring MC Skat Kat.

Wayne Hayes, one of Cowell’s flying monkeys, said: “When Simon started watching the video, he rolled his eyes and assumed it was just another middle-aged woman stroking a cat but when he saw her treat a trusting innocent with such withering contempt he knew he’d found a kindred spirit.

“It was another Susan Boyle moment, but instead of a frumpy older woman suddenly revealing the voice of an angel it was a frumpy older woman revealing that she was a vindictive, pinch-faced old picklefanny.”

Bale has been offered protection by Coventry police after a local vigilante group threatened to torch her house for being a paedophile on the basis the cat was only two years old.

And Cowell is already facing a backlash with some accusing him of manufacturing the incident amid claims that Bale’s cat-dunking has been digitally enhanced.

Former neighbour, Nikki Hollis, said: “I remember loads of times when Mary found stray cats in her back garden and she couldn’t hit the side of a shed with them. Though not for want of trying.”

Meanwhile, Pakistani orphan, Ali Sanjar, said: “If my entire family had not been swept to their death by the mighty Indus, I’m sure they would be horrified to see such a nutritious animal being chucked in the bin like that.”