Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Put the fun back into suicide notes by blaming a completely innocent person for your fractured mental state.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week stretch your shopping budget through a combination of bin-scavenging, road kill and good, old-fashioned thieving.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn’t even
know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked
through the war like a main circuit cable plugged straight into Kurtz. I
should probably take some sandwiches and a flask.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
One man, one goal, one mission. One heart, one soul, just one solution. Madam, your lavatory is now clear.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you’re appearing on reality TV this week, do remember to burst into tears over the slightest victory or setback. And also, try not to call anyone a Paki.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A former defendant that you represented poorly because you knew he was guilty comes back
to destroy your reputation, your family and, ultimately, your life in a rampage of
Southern-accented vengeance and weight-lifting. Why not try to escape on
a very slow boat?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s best to read up on orgy etiquette as you don’t want to embarrass
yourself by passing some vintage gimp the wrong way round the spunking
table.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If a person’s home is a reflection of their personality then you would appear to be a urine-soaked bungalow full of dead postmen.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Why not try and comment on a former client’s lack of class and
sophistication whilst simultaneously acknowledging that you’re quite
happy to take a mouthful of idiot cock so long as the price is right?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
When he was your age, your great-great grandfather waded through a festering Flanders trench filled with dead bodies to escape capture. If he saw you sobbing over your poor A Level results he’d probably paint a target on his bollocks and sprint screaming toward the Germans, you pathetic frigging ponce. Now, what top-up courses were you asking about again?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s time to lay off the Botox when you have to denote surprise by holding up a little sign saying ‘goodness me!’

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As August sighs and gives way to September’s hints of autumn you can once again dust off your trusty old Mackintosh and retire to the park for a nice long wanking session.

 

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Inventor Unveils All-In-One Portable Tragedy Shrine

A BRITISH inventor has developed an all-in-one council estate tragedy
shrine that can be erected within seconds of something ‘sad’ happening.

The Portagrief weighs just two kilograms and comes pre-loaded with decaying tulips, a poorly-composed sympathy poem and a tatty-looking teddy bear.

Inventor, Martin Bishop, said: “Within moments of something happening to somebody you’ve never met, you can share your fake sadness with friends, neighbours and the audience of Sky News.

“It’s the indispensable item for the childish, mal-educated grief-vampire who wants to appear really upset in as public a way as possible.”

The Portagrief will be offered in three basic models – the Executed Gangsta, the Teenage Traffic Accident and the Little Angel, which will include a card with the message ‘yoos in hevin now’.

Bishop added: “I was watching a Sky News reporter standing outside some council estate shit-igloo and the question suddenly occurred to me – where would the average ghoul in the street get their hands on an elaborate tea light holder at four o’clock in the morning?”

Nikki Hollis, a grade six untermensch from Carlisle, said: “When that toddler went missing from down the road, I had my Portagrief Little Angel outside the family’s door before the police had turned up.

“Unfortunately they found her the next day so she’s not in hevin, which is a shame for her.”