Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Put the fun back into suicide notes by blaming a completely innocent person for your fractured mental state.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week stretch your shopping budget through a combination of bin-scavenging, road kill and good, old-fashioned thieving.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn’t even
know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked
through the war like a main circuit cable plugged straight into Kurtz. I
should probably take some sandwiches and a flask.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
One man, one goal, one mission. One heart, one soul, just one solution. Madam, your lavatory is now clear.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you’re appearing on reality TV this week, do remember to burst into tears over the slightest victory or setback. And also, try not to call anyone a Paki.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A former defendant that you represented poorly because you knew he was guilty comes back
to destroy your reputation, your family and, ultimately, your life in a rampage of
Southern-accented vengeance and weight-lifting. Why not try to escape on
a very slow boat?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s best to read up on orgy etiquette as you don’t want to embarrass
yourself by passing some vintage gimp the wrong way round the spunking
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If a person’s home is a reflection of their personality then you would appear to be a urine-soaked bungalow full of dead postmen.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Why not try and comment on a former client’s lack of class and
sophistication whilst simultaneously acknowledging that you’re quite
happy to take a mouthful of idiot cock so long as the price is right?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
When he was your age, your great-great grandfather waded through a festering Flanders trench filled with dead bodies to escape capture. If he saw you sobbing over your poor A Level results he’d probably paint a target on his bollocks and sprint screaming toward the Germans, you pathetic frigging ponce. Now, what top-up courses were you asking about again?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s time to lay off the Botox when you have to denote surprise by holding up a little sign saying ‘goodness me!’
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As August sighs and gives way to September’s hints of autumn you can once again dust off your trusty old Mackintosh and retire to the park for a nice long wanking session.