Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After the self-denial of Stoptober and the altruism of Movember you’re really looking forward to Smokecrackcember.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Ever since arthritis took hold in your fingers the only games you pay on your iPhone are point and click adventures.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Rather than having the soup, pâté or salad starter, you skip straight to eating a piss cube out of the urinals.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You move with the times and trade in your Gaydar for satellite Navigaytion.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Over-exposure to internet pornography hasn’t desensitised you to graphic sexual imagery as much as your many years in the priesthood has.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re fired from the meat counter at ASDA when a misunderstanding of the phrase ‘up your game’ leads to an unfortunate incident with a handful of goose fat and a pheasant.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Home brew is an excellent way to beat the credit crunch, as well as eradicating the need for fibre in your diet.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re really getting into the spirit for your visit to Munich, but attempting a putsch in your local Wetherspoons is maybe going a little too far.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
One nation under a groove. Or under a plasticine-faced gobshite if you have your way.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Next week will see you surrounded by your family. They all seem to be wearing black and crying a lot – any idea what that’s about?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After being told that a good hangover cure is not drinking the night before, you discover that another good cure is beating a smug prick unconscious.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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Government 'wasted thousands on swearing consultants'

MINISTERS hired costly experts to develop their swearing skills, it has emerged.

In an attempt to mimic the creative cursing of BBC2’s The Thick of It, the government paid Fuckpebbles Solutions £56,546 for a one-day workshop entitled ‘Become A Profanity Ninja’.

Leaked whiteboard pads reveal the pitiful results of the session, with ineffectual terms like ‘penis man’, ‘big bum’ and ‘we’re all in poo’ scribbled in permanent marker.

A coalition spokesman said: “Verbally agile television satire has raised the Whitehall swearing bar.

“A simple expletive is no longer enough – the public wants and deserves elegant obscene phrases and innovative portmanteau swear words like ‘knobagaeddon’.”

Labour MP Tom Logan: “The results of the session are, for want of a better word, shit.

“Great swearing doesn’t come from brainstorming and ‘ideas showers’. It comes from the heart.”

Fuckpebbles Solutions CEO Emma Bradford said: “The most important part of what we do is teaching that there’s ‘no such thing as bad swearing’. Participants role play various fuck-ups in a mutually supportive environment.

“Our sessions have birthed phrases like ‘beaten senseless with a dog’s cock’, ‘horizontal shit-storm’ and ‘dickwich’ – ie when a politician has to eat several metaphorical penises at once.”