Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Frighten old ladies on the bus this week by passing them a note that says ‘rumpy pumpy’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I don’t want to set the world on fire. I want to set the BBC on fire.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Do make sure you inform everyone on Facebook about that novel/screenplay/haiku you’re currently writing, otherwise what’s the point?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Bad news as the flowchart of your company’s new structure places you in the bottom right hand corner wanking for coins under a motorway flyover.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week a BBC reporter is attempting to drive from London to Edinburgh in an all-electric Mini. If you see him shivering by the side of the M1, don’t forget to ‘honk’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Blow winds and crack your cheeks! Rage! Blow! You cataracts and hurricanes, spout ’till you have drench’d our steeples, drown’d the cocks! Also a chance of light rain over Devon.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re not too old to present Countryfile. You’re too high.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week pick a random funeral, put on some dark glasses, a suit and one earphone and then stand about 20 yards away, pretending to speak into your shirt cuff. It’ll give them something to talk about at the reception instead of all that grief.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You should strive to be the best you can be in everything you do. You’ll still fail miserably, but it will be hilarious to watch.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Well done for not exploiting the tragedy in Arizona for your own horrifying political ends. Best to wait until your reality TV series has finished and you’ve shot another moose.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Confront lingering tensions with a colleague by draping sheep guts all over their workspace. Just ask your local butcher.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As the latest Bond film gets the green light now is your chance to play the sexy Bulgarian translator/assassin with the legs that go all the way down to the ground. We just need to find a way of concealing your balls.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Schools to change baccalaureate to something pupils can spell

SCHOOLS across England are to change the name of the new baccalaureate to something like ‘Bat’ or ‘Cat’.

The European-style qualification has left thousands of youngsters confused and angry with its long train of syllables that seems to go on for ages.

Now ministers want to make the exams less daunting by reducing the brand name to a single syllable that can be easily represented with a picture.

A spokesman for the department of education said: “A lot of them don’t even make it into the exam hall. They see a sign reading ‘baccalaureate’ and just stand there staring at it blankly for a couple of minutes before going home to watch snuff movies.

“If we have a picture of a nice cat we might get a few more of them through the door.”

He added: “Whose idea was it to introduce a five syllable word into the English education system?”

The latest exam league tables have also revealed that despite England having thousands of schools full of perfectly adequate teachers and useful, knowledge-filled books, Britain’s children remain wholly indifferent.

Educationalist Bill McKay said: “You can have a debate about teaching methods and tweaking the curriculum but what we really need is for our children to just stop being ghastly fuckers.

“If I was the education secretary I would order 12 million electric shock collars and tell the teachers to go nuts.”

Meanwhile, Stephen Malley, a 17 year-old from Doncaster who asked not to be named, said: “I’ve been secretly able to spell baccalaureate for a couple of weeks now but if I admit it all my friends will form a circle around me and pelt me with bricks.”

Next story ›