Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Frighten old ladies on the bus this week by passing them a note that says ‘rumpy pumpy’.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I don’t want to set the world on fire. I want to set the BBC on fire.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Do make sure you inform everyone on Facebook about that novel/screenplay/haiku you’re currently writing, otherwise what’s the point?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Bad news as the flowchart of your company’s new structure places you in the bottom right hand corner wanking for coins under a motorway flyover.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week a BBC reporter is attempting to drive from London to Edinburgh in an all-electric Mini. If you see him shivering by the side of the M1, don’t forget to ‘honk’.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Blow winds and crack your cheeks! Rage! Blow! You cataracts and hurricanes, spout ’till you have drench’d our steeples, drown’d the cocks! Also a chance of light rain over Devon.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re not too old to present Countryfile. You’re too high.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week pick a random funeral, put on some dark glasses, a suit and one earphone and then stand about 20 yards away, pretending to speak into your shirt cuff. It’ll give them something to talk about at the reception instead of all that grief.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You should strive to be the best you can be in everything you do. You’ll still fail miserably, but it will be hilarious to watch.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Well done for not exploiting the tragedy in Arizona for your own horrifying political ends. Best to wait until your reality TV series has finished and you’ve shot another moose.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Confront lingering tensions with a colleague by draping sheep guts all over their workspace. Just ask your local butcher.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As the latest Bond film gets the green light now is your chance to play the sexy Bulgarian translator/assassin with the legs that go all the way down to the ground. We just need to find a way of concealing your balls.