Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your reputation for being a wise leader is further undermined this week when you assume that Britain and America would not dare to get embroiled in an unwinnable war that goes on forever.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Fist bumps, high fives and heavy metal ‘devil horns’ are three of the other things you do with your hands that prove you’re an irredeemably tiresome wanker.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You cancel the whole dance routine you’d rehearsed for walking down the aisle on your wedding day when you’re told it’s really not needed for a passport-wrangling sham.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
I just died in your arms tonight, it must have been something you said. To the doctor. Did you forge my signature too?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Almost Easter. So much chocolate. Good job you’ve dropped all that Christmas weight, isn’t it?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
In an exceptional piece of good fortune, the period of your life you’ve chosen to have covered by a documentary film crew is a time of extreme personal turmoil and skimpy underpants.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The stranger opposite you on the train seems friendly enough as he smiles and waves at your kids. Just remember to move carriages when he tries to slip them his phone number.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It may be time to lay off the drink for a while when your hangovers move from being merely crippling and begin to plumb the depths of a howling, nihilistic vortex  filled with pure pain and endless death. At least Tuesdays, anyway.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re reaching the age where you’re likely to be described as a Yummy Mummy. Or at least you would be if they weren’t all in foster care and you weren’t such a fat bag.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your back-to-work interview after six months off with stress goes well until your boss notices your deep suntan and how you seem to know the Portuguese word for everything.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
There are some things that can never have a happy ending, such as long-distance relationships, crack addiction and the phrase “Coming up next on Channel 5…”

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Quick tip – never start a chat-up line with the phrase: “What would you do if I went fucking apeshit and held your entire family hostage?”


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Gospel music to focus on non-existence of God

MODERN gospel music is increasingly about the non-existence of a supreme being, it has emerged.

As new research showed religion will soon be the preserve of one scary family who live in a remote wooden house filled with grandfather clocks, gospel artists have given up on God and are instead drawing their inspiration from real things.

Gospel legend Reverend Tom Logan, singer of This Ole Church Would Make A Pretty Good Gym Or Something, said: “We’d been lifting our joyful voices in praise of the Almighty for near two decades now, yet it didn’t seem to have made a blind bit of difference.

“The church roof still leaked, my arthritis hadn’t improved and there were a load of wars.

“What with the seemingly indifferent nature of the universe, I decided it was unlikely that everything was created and overseen by a benevolent omnipotent being who loves us all and also really likes my singing.

“That was the day I wrote The World Is Just A Lot Of Things Happening For No Reason and Lord You Are No Longer Relevant In This Modern Age. I’ve never looked back.”

He added: “My congregation found them to be just as catchy as my Christian stuff.

“And if there is a God, His response has been exactly the same as to all my praise-based work – complete indifference.”

Loretta Hollis is a founder member of stalwart gospel act The Joyful Four whose most recent single is entitled Sorry God But Evolution Seems Increasingly Plausible.

It features the lyrics ‘When you look at monkeys in the zoo, they are very much like little men. Our shared genetic heritage is easy to see, amen’.

She said: “Given the shift in subject matter we’re really trying to cut back on the use of the word ‘amen’.

“But we do like it a lot and it certainly has more ‘oomph’ than ‘speaking objectively’.”