Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your reputation for being a wise leader is further undermined this week when you assume that Britain and America would not dare to get embroiled in an unwinnable war that goes on forever.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Fist bumps, high fives and heavy metal ‘devil horns’ are three of the other things you do with your hands that prove you’re an irredeemably tiresome wanker.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You cancel the whole dance routine you’d rehearsed for walking down the aisle on your wedding day when you’re told it’s really not needed for a passport-wrangling sham.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
I just died in your arms tonight, it must have been something you said. To the doctor. Did you forge my signature too?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Almost Easter. So much chocolate. Good job you’ve dropped all that Christmas weight, isn’t it?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
In an exceptional piece of good fortune, the period of your life you’ve chosen to have covered by a documentary film crew is a time of extreme personal turmoil and skimpy underpants.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The stranger opposite you on the train seems friendly enough as he smiles and waves at your kids. Just remember to move carriages when he tries to slip them his phone number.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It may be time to lay off the drink for a while when your hangovers move from being merely crippling and begin to plumb the depths of a howling, nihilistic vortex filled with pure pain and endless death. At least Tuesdays, anyway.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re reaching the age where you’re likely to be described as a Yummy Mummy. Or at least you would be if they weren’t all in foster care and you weren’t such a fat bag.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your back-to-work interview after six months off with stress goes well until your boss notices your deep suntan and how you seem to know the Portuguese word for everything.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
There are some things that can never have a happy ending, such as long-distance relationships, crack addiction and the phrase “Coming up next on Channel 5…”
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Quick tip – never start a chat-up line with the phrase: “What would you do if I went fucking apeshit and held your entire family hostage?”