Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week why not conduct a major survey where you somehow forget to ask a lot of rioters why they are such arseholes?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
People have different learning styles – visual, auditory, kinaesthetic – and yours is usually having something slowly shouted at you about thirty times.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week will mostly be spent arguing with Odeon Cinemas about whether a film having Jude Law in it is sufficient to ask for both a refund and damages.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you. Like make a Christmas advert that makes you want to kick your own liver out of the top of your head.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You can take a girl out of the North, but not the North out of the girl. Although why you’d bother to go anywhere near her, god only knows.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, your work-life balance is made extremely confusing when you’re fired then killed by a bus.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As the houses of Leo and Cancer converge this week, I have some bad news about your cat.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No word yet from Nintendo about your men’s version of ‘Just Dance’ which shows the silhouette of a bloke leaning against a bar nodding his head to some Thin Lizzy.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As a young single man, nobody should judge you if you choose to live a life of no-strings sexual encounters, all-night partying and lying through your teeth about doing the first two.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A busy time at the Jehova’s Witness centre recently as the new BBC festive ident has put people off having anything to do with Christmas ever again.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Whenever you feel alone, remember that your grandparents are looking down from above, willing  you on and maybe wishing you would let them out of the attic.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
These days, non-alcoholic beers can often taste just as good as real ones, although you will have to find another excuse for soiling yourself at your desk. IBS?


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Satan missing from leaked Zuckerberg photos

THE Lord of Darkness does not appear in any of the leaked private photos of Mark Zuckerberg.

The images show the Facebook tycoon laughing with friends, playing with a little dog and about to kill a chicken.

But, to the surprise of industry analysts, there is no photograph of Zuckerberg and Satan standing in the middle of a pentangle, their blood soaked hands raised towards the ceiling and their eyes rolled back in their sockets.

IT expert Julian Cook, said: “There is one photo where his eyes look kind of weird. I can’t work out whether it’s the flash reflecting against his retinas or whether the flash has somehow managed to capture his Satanic essence.

“I assume the chicken was about to be used in some kind of sacrificial rite where Zuckerberg would cut the head off and then he and Satan would take it in turns to spray the blood directly into each other’s mouths.

“And the sushi he is seen preparing is probably just the tongue of one of his enemies. Satan and his helpers do love to feast on raw tongue wrapped in seaweed.”

Facebook said the photos were leaked because of a ‘glitch’ but stressed they did prove that Zuckerberg was just a normal young man and therefore his social network was just as normal and lovely as he clearly is.

A spokesman said: “How could someone with such a cute little dog create a work of pure, undiluted evil?”

Cook added: “Maybe the dog is Satan.”