Women told to plan ahead for ill-judged drunken sex

WOMEN are being advised to prepare for the aftermath of having sex with someone they hate.

Health advisors are recommending that women draw up a Christmas check list including alibis, emergency contraceptives and ‘crying time’.

Experts stressed the fallout from drunken sexual mistakes can be minimised by planning them well in advance.

Dr Emma Bradford said: “Start by checking your diary, and noting all the events where free alcohol will be available. We call these ‘regret points’.

“Be honest and ask yourself ‘am I going to fuck up and do something that makes me hate myself?’.

“If the answer is ‘yes’, ‘past form indicates a strong possibility’ or ‘I might do if there is low lighting and they play that Bryan Ferry song I like’, then you need to get everything in place for the fuck up.

“It’s vital to ensure that the following day you have set aside at least an hour for crying.

“Plus another two hours for calling your best friend from work and asking them to fill in the details of the previous night, including how many people noticed that you were definitely going to have sex with the person you had sex with.

“This advice also applies to men, just replace the word ‘crying’ with ‘exaggerating’.”

She added: “Also make sure there’s time to read the instructions on the back of the emergency pill packet at least 50 times, because you’ll be trying to work out whether it’ll make you grow a beard but your hangover will prevent the normal processing of information.”

“If you follow these steps there’s a chance you could spend as little as 70% of the entire festive period overcome with paranoid self-loathing.”


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Children who see Muppet movie want even more stuff

THE new Muppet movie is stoking children’s desire for even more cheaply made plastic things, it has been confirmed.

The film, starring Jim Henson’s loveable gang of fuzzy puppets, is sending young audiences into a consumerist frenzy in exactly the way the Disney Corporation meant it to.

But critics have attacked the film claiming it has demonised the idea of not wanting all the toys in the world right now.

Stephen Malley, from the left wing thank tank Rectos, said: “It is teaching children to hate not having a Kermit the Frog lunchbox, a Miss Piggy under fives make-up set or a Scooter scooter.

“In the last week in London alone, 14 parents were beaten to within an inch of their lives because they did not take their children directly from the cinema to the Disney Store.

“One child was found standing over his semi-conscious father, beating him across the head with a junior cricket bat and shouting, ‘get the fucking money! get the fucking money!’.”

Helen Archer, a mother of two from Peterborough, said: “My six year-old had been working particularly hard on her writing skills so she was able to sit in the cinema and make a list if all the things she wanted.

“When I asked her who her favourite character was she said ‘Tex Richman, because he has loads of stuff and he gets the fucking job done’.

“She said Kermit should ‘occupy a blender’.”