Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife. And thank you for calling the Benefits Helpline.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Ever since you were at school you have been told to pull your socks up. Not because you’re lazy but because your knees look like a haggis made of knuckles.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand is when I carried you, my son. But this is the last time we go to Magaluf on holiday together.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week you’ll beat David Attenborough to death using the dismembered leg of Helen Mirren to see what on earth it will take for Labour to overtake you in the polls.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You know that thing you saw on the internet? Well I knew about it six months ago, you rubbish idiot.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A glass of red wine every evening is good for your heart, because if you don’t pour one out for your wife as soon as she gets home from work she’s going to stab you right in it with her stiletto.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After your urine test comes back positive for Nandrolone and you suffer your third ligament tear of the month it’s time to acknowledge you may be taking the forthcoming parent and child sports day too seriously.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Women are so fickle – telling her the end of her nose wiggles when she talks is apparently cute, saying it happens when she’s within 100 yards of bacon apparently isn’t.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Pluto keeps ruining things down the pub, getting maudlin drunk and telling everybody about how he used to be a planet and how Neptune doesn’t call him any more.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Answering his call for more commercially successful films, you’re hoping to get funding for two hours of footage of David Cameron being kicked around a prison exercise yard like a binbag full of Oxfam clothes.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
More haste, less speed. Actually, more fruit and veg, less speed. Maybe the odd early night, less speed. You need to lay off the speed, okay?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

It is unusual to do a whole set of horoscopes without feeling the need to swear once so let’s see whose birthday is coming up this week… José Mourinho, yep that should do it. C*nt.

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Obama attacked for not calling Republicans a bunch of dicks

PRESIDENT Obama was condemned last night for not describing his Republican opponents as total dicks.

In his State of the Union address, the president drew clear dividing lines ahead of this year’s election, but then baffled many observers by not calling his right-wing rivals ‘corrupt, twisted motherfuckers who should be bulldozed into the sea’.

Veteran US political commentator, Todd Logan, said: “There was a lot of interesting stuff about tax and fairness, but very little about how the Republican Party is just a big piece of shit, filled with bastards and nutjobs.

“It seems he still wants to be seen, essentially, as a figure who is above the everyday political fray instead of being the first president to include the word ‘cocksuckers’ in a State of Union speech.”

Helen Archer, professor of 20th century politics at Georgetown University, said: “In 2001 George W  Bush could have gone to Congress and called Osama Bin Laden ‘a prick with a turd on it’ and now Obama has passed on what may be his last chance to point to the massed ranks of Tea Party Republicans and say ‘fuck you, your mothers take it up the ass’.

“He may have calculated that his re-election chances are better served by a concerted campaign in the working class heartlands of the midwest and a continued focus on job creation, but my research shows that the contest would effectively be over already if he had just said to Michelle Bachmann, ‘eat my shit, you fucking psycho bitch’.”

Some White House staffers still hope to convince the president to alter his strategy and start calling his opponents ‘dicks’, ‘fuckers’ and ‘deviant gimp-felchers who would rape their own grandmothers if she looked at them the wrong way’.

One senior Democrat said: “What is not to be gained from calling Newt Gingrich a dark-hearted scum blister, Ron Paul an insane, racist pig-fucker and Mitt Romney the deformed spawn of a religion founded by a raging psychopath that gives women the same legal status as cars?

“Then he could go on Fox News, speak directly to the voters and tell them that he would gleefully set fire to their bible-filled houses.

“I’m wasted here.”