Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife. And thank you for calling the Benefits Helpline.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Ever since you were at school you have been told to pull your socks up. Not because you’re lazy but because your knees look like a haggis made of knuckles.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand is when I carried you, my son. But this is the last time we go to Magaluf on holiday together.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week you’ll beat David Attenborough to death using the dismembered leg of Helen Mirren to see what on earth it will take for Labour to overtake you in the polls.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You know that thing you saw on the internet? Well I knew about it six months ago, you rubbish idiot.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A glass of red wine every evening is good for your heart, because if you don’t pour one out for your wife as soon as she gets home from work she’s going to stab you right in it with her stiletto.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After your urine test comes back positive for Nandrolone and you suffer your third ligament tear of the month it’s time to acknowledge you may be taking the forthcoming parent and child sports day too seriously.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Women are so fickle – telling her the end of her nose wiggles when she talks is apparently cute, saying it happens when she’s within 100 yards of bacon apparently isn’t.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Pluto keeps ruining things down the pub, getting maudlin drunk and telling everybody about how he used to be a planet and how Neptune doesn’t call him any more.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Answering his call for more commercially successful films, you’re hoping to get funding for two hours of footage of David Cameron being kicked around a prison exercise yard like a binbag full of Oxfam clothes.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
More haste, less speed. Actually, more fruit and veg, less speed. Maybe the odd early night, less speed. You need to lay off the speed, okay?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It is unusual to do a whole set of horoscopes without feeling the need to swear once so let’s see whose birthday is coming up this week… José Mourinho, yep that should do it. C*nt.