Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week will be a series of unexpected journeys, meeting new people and facing difficult challenges. Yes, you’re going to jail.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
While you may well be the only sane person in a world gone crazy, on this very technical legal point I’m going to go ahead and rule that you’re madder than a stoat with shaved balls.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You still remember every detail of your first teenage kiss – the song playing on the radio, the smell of her shampoo, the awkward, tender promises you made to each other. You also remember every single other second of your childhood in equally vivid detail. You’re 43 years old. What’s wrong with you?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The sight of you sat alone, blowing out the birthday candle on your apple pie has topped the list of the most pathetic things the staff of McDonalds have ever seen. Bravo!
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Time to buy a whole new summer wardrobe. The old one is full of restraining orders and wank-hankies.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Having heard The Hunger Games being described as ‘Battle Royale mixed with Twilight’ you’re left with the indelible image of a gleaming piece of beautifully fresh sashimi wiped on a tramp’s taint.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Well I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more. Anything to avoid using GNER again, really.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
One person a year dies from head injuries sustained from a prostitute falling out of a plane. There is a very specific reason I’m telling you this.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Mark all emails ‘read’. Delete all voicemails. Flick the sign on your office door to ‘out’. And now for eight hours of ebay and absentminded groin exploration.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
While you’re not ready to sell your soul to Satan for unlimited earthly delights, you have been looking into incantations which lease him your sense of decency for three months in return for a cup final ticket.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
One more tweet in that format and you’re going to be *screwdriver sticking out the side of your face*
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions of Psychic Bob Horoscopes and accept full responsibility for any loss of income, temporary blindness and/or genital trauma.