Only a 30% chance of Cthulhu, say fracking experts

THE chances of shale gas exploration releasing a monstrous denizen of the underworld are less than one in three, experts have claimed.

As the army continues to fight two hundred chittering, horned creatures released during a test extraction in Blackpool, energy companies insist they can keep demonic activity at levels that would be classed as ‘normal’ for a seaside town.

Roy Hobbs, an engineer with Shell, said: “By my calculations the Shadow Lord Cthulhu currently rests nine leagues deeper than the shale gas so I’m sure it’ll be fine.

“Nevertheless, we have some of the best hooded, eyeless priests in the industry who will be on call 24 hours a day to maintain the sanctity of the work site through a series of incantations and holy artefacts, as well as checking for hard hats and security passes.”

Hobbs stressed it was now more than three years since a shale gas rig last brought forth That Which Darkness Itself Fears.

He added: “The technology has improved dramatically since then so even if we do unleash a reign of sorrow lasting a thousand generations, the profit margin will be close to £50 a second.”

Fracking advocates claim that shale gas offers a long-term, sustainable source of energy because it is both environmentally risky and more expensive than oil.

Meanwhile, residents of other shale gas sites are suing over fracking side-effects including earthquakes, exploding tap water and 120ft long tentacles pulling their house into the netherworld.

One Pennsylvania family were admitted to hospital after an unexplained outbreak of screaming succubae attached to their faces, which lawyers blamed on a nearby wind farm.

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Drunks trash McDonalds over lack of healthy options

ANGRY vegetarians ran amok in a branch of McDonalds when it failed to offer adequate meat-free and vegan menu choices.

Police were called to the Wigan restaurant after an intoxicated health-conscious mob began smashing furniture and exposing their genitals.

Onlooker Nikki Hollis said: “The atmosphere was raucous but good, until they ran out of those little bags of carrot sticks.

“Things turned ugly then. There was only one bag of apple pieces left, and two thickset men, one with sick on his shirt, started fighting over it.

“The bag split and the slices of fresh apple went on the floor. Everyone went mental, throwing punches and kicking, trying to get to the fruit.”

She added: “They were chanting something like, ‘veggie boys, we are here, shag your women, eat your vegetables’.”

As he was being loaded into a police van, rioter Tom Logan said: “It’s fucking bollocks mate, we just wanted some fucking nutritious fresh produce, preferably fucking organic.

“This prick behind the counter, he’s like ‘we’ve got salads left’. I was like fuck off mate, they’re deceptively high in salt and fat, plus most of them come with grilled chicken and I don’t eat meat unless it’s locally sourced.”

Logan’s vegan friend Nathan Muir said: “When you’re a vegan and you’ve skulled 18 pints of Stella, you want something fucking wholesome, like a five-bean salad from a fucking Soil Association-approved grower.

“And if you don’t get that, it’s going to fucking kick off.”