Berlusconi parties a bit vanilla

THE parties held by penis-wielding former premier Silvio Berlusconi have shocked Italy with their lack of imagination.

As Berlusconi stands trial for breaking up to three of Italy’s 14 laws, young women have revealed details which have left middle-aged millionaires looking for decadence pointers deeply disappointed.

Wayne Hayes, a bloated and spiritually-empty property magnate, from Carlisle said “I’ve been reading the transcripts to look for new things to do with livestock or lemon curd to cause some flicker of sensation in the dead coals of my soul.

“But stripper nuns, hookers and drugs are the kind of things you’d find at your average regional sales conference at the start of your career, not from somebody running the country.”

Sexual deviancy has been written into the Italian constitution since the emperor Claudius followed Caligula’s four year stint of having sex with everything in Rome, including random concepts such as wistfulness and regret, with a period of unheard-of abstinence.

Berlusconi first came to power in 1994 on a campaign promising more municipal sex swings and a restructuring of the country’s outdated dogging facilities.

However, in his later years he finally lost his grip on power due to an increasing insistence on just having sex with lots and lots of women who were not his wife, as well as some dissatisfaction with the economy.

Hayes said: “Berlusconi has always been held up as the John Bonham of the lurid party world but this trial clearly shows he’s little more than a Ringo Starr of doing despicable things with his genitals. No more heroes.”

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Twitter users shocked to discover 9/11 was real

TEENAGE Twitter users believe that the events of September 11, as portrayed in movies World Trade Center and United 93, were fictional, it has emerged.

Close to a thousand teenagers, across the United States and the world, have tweeted messages like “OMG 9-11 was totally a thing… am I dumb for not knoing this?” and “Twin Towers movie not just a movie! #hadnoidea”.

Beauty therapist Helen Archer said: “I did wonder why there was so many films about the same thing but there’s like hundreds of films on vampires and they’re not real. Are they?

“Does that mean all those shaky-camera documentary style films, like The Bourne Supremacy, actually happened?”

But many have claimed there is no evidence the events were not fictional. 1TrueRed tweeted: “#911real stupids need to check IMDB, its just a remake of Towering Inferno made in 1970s”. The tweet received 1,876 retweets.

The lack of any record of September 11 on Twitter timelines or Facebook pages has also been cited as evidence that the terrorist attacks never happened.

Student Stephen Malley said: “So if 9-11 is real, what else is? You’re not telling me Pearl Harbor actually happened, for fuck’s sake. I saw that movie and there’s just no way.

“I’m not into those history films anyway. I prefer true-life horror stories like Paranormal Activity. You know that’s actually based on a girl I went to school with?”