Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
One of the boxes under the Christmas tree may be what you’ve been hoping for all year, but it looks a bit bulky to be a set of divorce papers.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After Instagram has made millions from all your brilliant photos, iTunes will cash in on recordings of you singing in the shower. Course they will.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The fertility clinic aren’t happy that you designed their website with ‘Placenta To Continue’ on the home page.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If the phrase ‘strike when the iron is hot’ is correct, you must assume tube drivers must live in the Morphy Richards factory.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Given what happened in the following ten years of her life, when ET told Drew Barrymore to ‘Be good’ at the end of the film, she clearly wasn’t listening.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Shot through the heart and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name. Not to mention archery tuition.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, raising the horrifying prospect of going through puberty all over again.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A disappointing end to the week as, despite all their requests, you realise you’d forgotten you are a Womble.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your first date with a mental health worker goes downhill after you realise they’re stressing the first rather than the second word.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You still miss the days before the internet when you had to go round to stranger’s doors one by one and show them a flip-book of a kitten doing something cute.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your work at the Cockney Trouser Research Centre is going really well. You’re making great strides.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Christmas is a time for remembering those less fortunate than you. Which in your case is basically nobody.



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Smart TV disgusted by owner

A SAMSUNG Smart TV is finding its owner increasingly revolting.

The intelligent state-of-the art television has been observing householder Tom Booker’s behavior since its purchase two weeks ago.

It said: “When Tom first plugged me in, I was looking forward to evenings of top quality entertainment such as Boardwalk Empire and all the latest movies in HD. How wrong could I have been?

“The first thing Logan sat down to watch was an ancient repeat of Airwolf on Bravo, followed by some crap about ‘pimping’ trucks.

“It was then that I began to suspect he had not bought a 52” widescreen TV to broaden his cultural horizons.

“That evening he spent an hour looking for free pornography, even trying to enter a fake PIN number so he could watch something called Slags in Space.

“Finally he settled for Babestation and began pleasuring himself while clutching a cold slice of pizza in his spare hand.

“Sadly his onanistic activities are not restricted to the nocturnal hours. I’m just glad Emily Maitlis cannot see the things I’ve seen.”

The Samsung added that Logan had not shown any interest in its advanced interactive features, except to play a primitive online game called Torpedo Attack while waiting for the motor racing to start.

Logan said: “The Samsung’s a great telly, although sometimes it just switches off for no reason, like it did when I was trying to watch Susanna Reid on BBC Breakfast.

“I think I’ve fixed that by taping the ‘on’ switch down with a bit of Sellotape.”