UK to vote on return to ‘good old days’

DAVID Cameron has announced a referendum on whether the UK should go back to ‘the good old days’.

The prime minister said a ‘yes’ vote would return the UK to a more innocent time when you could leave your door unlocked, everyone knew their neighbours, and rosy-cheeked children went scrumping for apples.

Cameron said: “The good old days were much better. Everything was cheaper then, and most crimes were solved by a clip round the ear from a friendly policeman, or, if that didn’t work, hanging.

“Many contemporary problems, such as traffic congestion and the housing shortage, simply did not exist thanks to large sections of the population regularly being wiped out by smog.

“We certainly wouldn’t have had all this fuss over gay marriage, because gays hadn’t been invented then and were simply men who went with sailors.

“Certainly there were drawbacks to the good old days, such as rickets, but I feel these are outweighed by the fact that we used to have proper winters.”

Cameron admitted he was not exactly sure when the good old days were, but believed it was a period somewhere between 1940 and 1955 when everything looked like a Ladybird book and it was illegal not to wear a hat.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I’ll definitely be voting to go back to the good old days. I’m very much in favour of traditional values and a sense of community, by which I mean ‘forced repatriation’.”

Plumber Wayne Hayes said: “My granddad says the good old days were shit because there was rationing and he got sent to the Korean War. I think he must have remembered it wrong.”




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Apocalypse confirmed for 4.59pm this Friday

THE world is going to end just as everyone is turning their computer off ready for the Christmas break, it has emerged.

Office workers, who had been really looking forward to some holiday after slogging through the most arduous months of the year, are dismayed at the news.

Sale co-ordinator Nikki Hollis said: “This is just bloody typical. HR says we can’t leave early on Friday because there’s nothing in our contracts about the End of Days.

“I suppose the last thing I’ll ever see is a message saying ‘You have successfully logged out’.”

Telemarketing operative Tom Logan said: “I guess I could chuck a sickie on Friday but it’d be pretty obvious.

“Apocalypse or not, I”m still scared of my line manager.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We’ve done all the relevant tests and it turns out everything’s just going to stop, like when someone switches off a telly.

“No asteroid, no earthquake, just the barely audible clicking of the cosmic ‘off’ switch following by infinite blackness and silence, forever.”

Professor Brubaker predicts humanity’s last day will be an orgy of showing-off as humans compete to mark their extinction in the most ‘creative’ way.

“Anyone who doesn’t have to work will be frantically uploading photos of themselves on a mountaintop, dressed as a Confederate soldier, lying on their side and covered in yoghurt.

“It seems that, ultimately, the most important thing in life is to make people think you’re cool.”