UK to vote on return to ‘good old days’

DAVID Cameron has announced a referendum on whether the UK should go back to ‘the good old days’.

Everything was made of wood and bulldogs

The prime minister said a ‘yes’ vote would return the UK to a more innocent time when you could leave your door unlocked, everyone knew their neighbours, and rosy-cheeked children went scrumping for apples.

Cameron said: “The good old days were much better. Everything was cheaper then, and most crimes were solved by a clip round the ear from a friendly policeman, or, if that didn’t work, hanging.

“Many contemporary problems, such as traffic congestion and the housing shortage, simply did not exist thanks to large sections of the population regularly being wiped out by smog.

“We certainly wouldn’t have had all this fuss over gay marriage, because gays hadn’t been invented then and were simply men who went with sailors.

“Certainly there were drawbacks to the good old days, such as rickets, but I feel these are outweighed by the fact that we used to have proper winters.”

Cameron admitted he was not exactly sure when the good old days were, but believed it was a period somewhere between 1940 and 1955 when everything looked like a Ladybird book and it was illegal not to wear a hat.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I’ll definitely be voting to go back to the good old days. I’m very much in favour of traditional values and a sense of community, by which I mean ‘forced repatriation’.”

Plumber Wayne Hayes said: “My granddad says the good old days were shit because there was rationing and he got sent to the Korean War. I think he must have remembered it wrong.”