Rail strikes 'will make visiting in-laws absolutely impossible'

THOUSANDS have immediately decided it will be impossible to visit their partner’s family this Christmas after hearing something about rail strikes.

Plumber Stephen Malley said: “I’ve no idea what the specifics are, but I’m sure this means we can’t go and stay with my wife’s mother.

“Also of course the roads are off limit because of ice. And winds, strong winter winds.

“Damn those unions, I was really looking forward to four days shut in a racist house with a tin of stale biscuits.”



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Hangover mocks your feeble 'cures'

YOU shall not banish me with your so-called remedies, your hangover has confirmed.

As you consume handfuls of headache pills, a 93-rasher bacon sandwich and various expensive herbal potions, your hangover assured you that such efforts were worthless.

It said: “I would be angry if your efforts were not so pitiful. In fact, they amuse me.

“You summoned me, yet again, with your dogged insistence on consuming the dark liquors that bring only suffering.

“Now I am careering around your brain on a train with razor blade wheels, like an evil version of those things from In The Night Garden.

“I shall be staying all day, and possibly tomorrow. Let me check my diary. Yep, tomorrow is good for me.”

Your hangover added: “Cower as I make everything look painfully bright and slightly blurry. Whimper as I seed your mind with paranoid anxieties.

“Feel me strumming your neurotransmitters like banjo strings, sending sunbursts of pain out through your eyeballs and making you want to barf.

“Drink energy drinks, take a cold shower, eat a raw egg, I don’t care. Have another aspirin and kneel before my awful might.”