Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
An interesting article in the newspaper this week entitled “Isn’t it about time we admitted that articles that start with ‘Isn’t it about time we admitted…’ are usually shit?”

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If life is a pie and success is the crust, then your recent endeavours are…erm…the suet of effort and…okay, I’ve not really though this one through, to be honest.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After a long weekend that sees you wake up in Guadalajara with half your teeth missing and a pocketful of Israeli shekels, you invent a new word – Tequilamnesia

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Money, money, money. Must be funny, in a rich man’s world. Especially when they fish for tramps using fivers as bait.

 Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Cut the green wire. Or is it the blue wire? Blue? Yes, yes blue. Definitely blue. NO WAIT, is it green? Oh fuck it, just buy a new kettle instead.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
When people ask “what’s the worst that could happen?”, by the time you’ve gone into detail about the curses visited upon their great, great grandchildren they’ve stopped listening.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After nobody with money and business acumen was interested in financing your cupcake and penny farthing shop you go onto Kickstarter to see if loads of people with no money or business acumen will do it instead.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Philip Larkin was bald, miserable, lived out a joyless existence in Hull for most of his life and was a gloriously talented writer. So good luck finding fame and fortune with your blog about comic books.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After spending a week tripping hard on South American cactus, your wife, disguised as KC & The Sunshine Band, tells you in ancient Assyrian that she said she wished you’d do more ‘masculine’ things.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not buck the trend of loud car music equalling terrible music this week by installing speakers the size of god’s balls into your Mondeo and trolling KFC car parks blasting The Pixies at confused-looking teenagers?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you can’t afford to see the new Jason Statham film just draw a frown on a potato and shake it in front of your face shouting ‘BANG!’ occasionally.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This horoscope is generated by analysing your browser history…right, I’m calling the police.

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Angry Scotsman to be released into community

BRITAIN faces the prospect of yet another unemployed, angry Scottish person at large.

Alexander Ferguson, a Glaswegian, will be released during the summer, with experts warning of a devastating effect on tourism, the economy and everything else.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “The one thing that puts people off visiting Britain is the very real prospect of being accosted in the street by an inexplicably furious Scotsman.

“Football clubs have proved to be very effective at containing belligerent Scottish people who would otherwise be free to vent their spleen in a public space.

“The football clubs should be forced to keep them, for ever, in a gated community where they can scream at each other and work on their endless, incomprehensible grudges.”

Meanwhile, Ferguson’s release has prompted golf clubs across the UK to draw up contingency plans in case they become the venue for his ongoing campaign of terror.

Martin Bishop, secretary of Hatfield Golf and Country Club, said: “We have taken down our website and prepared temporary signage to make the place look like a garden centre.”

Bishop added: “He now has the chance to travel. They should put him on the Orient Express so he can call everyone in Venice a bastard.”