Festivalgoers rebelling against self-esteem

PERSONAL dignity is now the top thing to rebel against at music festivals.

As the festival season recommences, members of Britain’s millions-strong music counterculture said their main political concern was eradicating all self-respect.

26-year-old Tom Logan said: “The fat cats, bankers and Illuminati that run society want to stop us getting so wasted we soil ourselves because it scares them.

“So I’m fighting the power by dressing up as a giant sanitary towel, doing a huge line of ketamine then running around Glastonbury screaming like a banshee until my bowels give out.

“Hopefully someone will take a picture of me in a ditch, smeared in twenty kinds of human excrement and whimpering like a concussed rabbit, and put in on the internet. For the cause.”

Festival fan Emma Bradford said: “The festival movement is an amazing thing, it’s like the dawn of a new age of shitting your pants.

“And it’s all coming from the people, with a bit of sponsorship help from multinational soft drinks and technology companies.

“I’m going to get up a scaffold tower when Calvin Harris is playing, take my shoe off and pretend to give it a blowjob.

“This generation is not afraid to wake up in a bush with no pants on and I think the people in charge are frightened. Well maybe not frightened exactly but certainly annoyed.”

24-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve got a hula hoop. The man hates hula hoops.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Primark bans attractive people

BUDGET clothing giant Primark has banned good-looking people from its shops.

Primark’s management got the idea after reading that Abercrombie and Fitch stores exclude fat customers.

A Primark spokesman said: “It seems so obvious in retrospect – no one wants a hot model type spoiling the mood as they’re shuffling around our aisles chucking things on the floor.

“Our brand is all about reasonably-priced elasticated clothing for people with a flexible approach to how many cakes they should eat.

“You could say we’re promoting a cake-based lifestyle.”

Under new store rules, anyone with a body fat ratio of under 39 per cent with be firmly but politely pointed in the direction of the fancy jeans shop down the road.

The spokesman said: “We’re also asking our staff to ‘stop washing and start eating’. If anyone turns up for their shift looking too slim, they’ll have to power-eat ten Steak Bakes.”

36-year-old Primark customer Emma Bradford said: “Obviously I want my Primark experience to be as depressing as possible, I go in there as a sort of psychological self-harm. But I don’t mind seeing thin people as long as they look tired and forlorn.

“The main group I’d like to see excluded is clever people. Can we do that?”