PERSONAL dignity is now the top thing to rebel against at music festivals.
As the festival season recommences, members of Britain’s millions-strong music counterculture said their main political concern was eradicating all self-respect.
26-year-old Tom Logan said: “The fat cats, bankers and Illuminati that run society want to stop us getting so wasted we soil ourselves because it scares them.
“So I’m fighting the power by dressing up as a giant sanitary towel, doing a huge line of ketamine then running around Glastonbury screaming like a banshee until my bowels give out.
“Hopefully someone will take a picture of me in a ditch, smeared in twenty kinds of human excrement and whimpering like a concussed rabbit, and put in on the internet. For the cause.”
Festival fan Emma Bradford said: “The festival movement is an amazing thing, it’s like the dawn of a new age of shitting your pants.
“And it’s all coming from the people, with a bit of sponsorship help from multinational soft drinks and technology companies.
“I’m going to get up a scaffold tower when Calvin Harris is playing, take my shoe off and pretend to give it a blowjob.
“This generation is not afraid to wake up in a bush with no pants on and I think the people in charge are frightened. Well maybe not frightened exactly but certainly annoyed.”
24-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve got a hula hoop. The man hates hula hoops.”