Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Never go to sleep with an argument unresolved. Resort to arm-wrestling if necessary, although she does have the weight advantage.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On Saturday, you will mention youre doing something mundane then highlight its mundanity with a contrasting sarcastic statement. Rock & roll!
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your boyfriend reveals he has a foot fetish, but at a push he would like you to dress as any ex-leader of the Labour Party.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On an evening out, you suspect the Latour ’70 is corked. And by ‘corked’ I mean ‘flat’. And by ‘Latour ’70’ I mean ‘half-empty bottle of White Lightning you found in a bin’.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your romance has a fairytale ending this week as your boyfriend locks you in your own oven and murders your grandmother.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You will spend an engaging 45 minutes on Thursday listening to Velvet Undergrounds Heroin then imagining what Lou Reed would actually look like in a sailors suit and cap.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Haters gonna hate. Potatoes gonna potate. Christian Slaters gonna Christian Slate. And so on.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
You shouldnt still be using the word boobies aged 30. Not for the finals of your medical degree, certainly.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your final bid of £200 for a rare Italian Star Wars poster sees you win the ebay auction, as well as bringing a whole new definition to the word win.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your insecurity and alcoholism may well be attributable to your mum not showing you much love as a child, but in her defence you are pretty unloveable.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Might as well face it, youre addicted to love. And crack.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A Stitch In Time Saves Nine, But Dozens More Feared Dead In Sewing Machine Factory Blaze.