Dreams either obvious or idiotic

DREAMS have no hidden meanings, it has emerged.

Researchers believe dreams either have no meaning whatsoever or are painfully obvious, such dreaming about pies after eating a pie.

Psychologist Donna Sheridan said: “We asked volunteers to describe their dreams in as much detail as they could remember, or until the researcher started weeping with boredom.

“Two types of dream emerged. The first was deeply incoherent, like the man who dreamt he urgently needed to buy some food while staying in a vaguely familiar house with his old English teacher and Simon Mayo.

“The subject had no strong feelings about food, his schooldays and particularly Simon Mayo, leading our team of respected psychologists and neuroscientists to conclude that it was bollocks.

“The other type of dream was about real things like buying a house when you’re actually in the process of buying a house, which we termed ‘literal’ or ‘boring’.”

Sheridan said the research had led her to reject the popular Freudian theory that dreams have a symbolic meaning, and she now regarded the subconscious mind as “a big bucket of nonsense”.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Dreams definitely mean something. Recently I dreamt I was in a cave but I couldn’t find the way out until Konnie Huq led me to a massive meadow and gave me a Blue Peter badge.

“This was obviously a dream about change, so I left my wife and now I’m sleeping in my car while I find out if Konnie’s going to press charges for sending her all those pictures of my cock.”

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Wessexes excluded from christening for vol-au-vent theft

EDWARD and Sophie are not attending Prince George’s christening because they stole canapés at his parents’ wedding.

The Earl and Countess of Wessex were caught by the Kate Middleton’s mother packing vol-au-vents into Tupperware containers at the reception.

The couple, who have a net worth of several million, are also suspected of making off with wedding gifts from Tonga, the Republic of Ireland and TV presenter Ben Fogle.

A palace source said: “It’s not like they were just taking the ordinary vol-au-vents. They particularly targeted the swan ones.

“They’ve said if they’re not invited they won’t get George a present. Well, if the present was going to be of the same calibre as the £35 Homebase voucher they got for the wedding, he can probably do without it.”

The ban is apparently not the only edict issued in advance of the christening.

Bar staff have been warned to water down the Malibu if they don’t want Beatrice and Eugenie dancing on tables, and the Middleton family have been repeatedly told that proper posh dos don’t have pyramids of Ferrero Rocher.