Clangers to return as social realist drama

THE BBC is bringing back The Clangers as a hard-hitting drama about a struggling, soup-deprived mouse family.

The new show is described as a cross between Our Friends In The North and the Zammo episodes of Grange Hill but with a cast of knitted mice.

Viewers will see the Clangers turn to begging, crime and even prostitution to eke out a living on a barren planet.

Producer Helen Archer said: “Major Clanger becomes a loan enforcer for the Soup Dragon and ends up beating Uncle Clanger to death with the leg of the Iron Chicken.

“Granny Clanger gets released from hospital but, her mind addled, ends up sleeping rough and dying alone in a freezing crater.

“And the scene where Mother Clanger has Small Clanger and Tiny Clanger taken away from her, and delivers a broken monologue of whistles to camera, is devastating television.”

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Man with Royal Mail shares thinks he's Gordon Gekko

OFFICE worker Tom Booker reckons he’s real hot shit after potentially making £350 on Royal Mail shares.

Database administrator Booker, who now closely identifies himself with Michael Douglas’s Wall Street character Gordon Gekko, said: “I scented blood and I went for the kill.

“To the victor the spoils.”

First-time investor Booker arrived at work today sporting a pair of red braces purchased from Tie Rack.

He was later overheard by colleagues wondering how many ‘hookers’ and how much cocaine he could get with a sum in the region of £350.

Booker said: “Fuck all you chumps and losers, I am the lion, hear me roar!

“Now if you’ll excuse me, time is money. And money is power.”

However it emerged that Booker has yet to ‘cash in the chips’ from his high-stakes stock market deal.

He added: “Does anyone know how you actually sell these shares? I’ve looked on Google but I don’t want to do it wrong.

“I hope it’s not too complicated.”