Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Its been three days since you noticed that you can say the word mulligatawny to the tune of have a banana and its been pretty much all youve done since.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
What part of Piss off dont you understand? Oh, désolé, je ne savais pas. Je vous demande simplement de faire chier.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you’re writing the poster for a West End show this week, when using the phrase Beg, steal or borrow a ticket, why not add the word ‘buy’ into the sentence?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Dont know why theres no sun up in the sky, stormy wea oh no, its three in the morning. My mistake.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If youre struggling to avoid choosing favourites amongst your kids, imagine what it must have been like for mother Hitchens.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Heres something that will make you feel old senile dementia.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
A remarkable sporting achievement this week as you’re crowned the most boring driver in Formula One.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Its been over a week now since you started smashing the system by not voting and so far the egalitarian utopia is going swimmingly.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Dipping laxatives in red food colouring and painting a little M on them will give trick-or-treaters something to remember this Halloween.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Its been a week since you broke up with your girlfriend so you decide its time to move on with your life. Letting go of her leg and ceasing your sobbing are your first steps.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
When asked to describe the difference between Armagnac and Cognac, the answer isnt Cognacs on the lower shelf in Asda so its easier to pinch.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)