Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It’s been three days since you noticed that you can say the word ‘mulligatawny’ to the tune of ‘have a banana’ and it’s been pretty much all you’ve done since.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
What part of ‘Piss off’ don’t you understand? Oh, désolé, je ne savais pas. Je vous demande simplement de faire chier.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you’re writing the poster for a West End show this week, when using the phrase “Beg, steal or borrow a ticket”, why not add the word ‘buy’ into the sentence?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Don’t know why there’s no sun up in the sky, stormy wea…oh no, it’s three in the morning. My mistake.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re struggling to avoid choosing favourites amongst your kids, imagine what it must have been like for mother Hitchens.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Here’s something that will make you feel old – senile dementia.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A remarkable sporting achievement this week as you’re crowned the most boring driver in Formula One.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s been over a week now since you started smashing the system by not voting and so far the egalitarian utopia is going swimmingly.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Dipping laxatives in red food colouring and painting a little ‘M’ on them will give trick-or-treaters something to remember this Halloween.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It’s been a week since you broke up with your girlfriend so you decide it’s time to move on with your life. Letting go of her leg and ceasing your sobbing are your first steps.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
When asked to describe the difference between Armagnac and Cognac, the answer isn’t “Cognac’s on the lower shelf in Asda so it’s easier to pinch.”

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

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Cameron's cabinet mostly Eastern Europeans

THE Prime Minister has admitted that 60% of his cabinet are immigrants from Eastern Europe.

The ministers spoke out following David Cameron’s speech asking British employers to ‘just say no’ to immigrants.

Justice Secretary Kristof Gräzwicz, who calls himself Chris Grayling for convenience, said: “Try finding a Brit who will do a filthy shameful job as this, I wish you luck friend.

“We come over here to empty your bins, clean your streets and sponsor your private members’ bills because British people do not like to do hard work.”

Cameron has been criticised for offering less than minimum wage for Cabinet positions, apparently claiming that ministers could make up their pay with tips from lobbyists.

He is also accused of wilfully ignoring the closure of a House of Commons bar and its reopening a week later as a Polski Sklep.

Immigration officials are currently probing claims that some of the leadership team are being held in the UK against their will.

Marie-Terese Mayosovici said: “When I arrive in Britain they take my passport and say to repay my debts I must work as Home Secretary.

“I send money home, but after what I have done I am too ashamed to ever face my family again.”