Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It’s been three days since you noticed that you can say the word ‘mulligatawny’ to the tune of ‘have a banana’ and it’s been pretty much all you’ve done since.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
What part of ‘Piss off’ don’t you understand? Oh, désolé, je ne savais pas. Je vous demande simplement de faire chier.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you’re writing the poster for a West End show this week, when using the phrase “Beg, steal or borrow a ticket”, why not add the word ‘buy’ into the sentence?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Don’t know why there’s no sun up in the sky, stormy wea…oh no, it’s three in the morning. My mistake.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re struggling to avoid choosing favourites amongst your kids, imagine what it must have been like for mother Hitchens.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Here’s something that will make you feel old – senile dementia.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A remarkable sporting achievement this week as you’re crowned the most boring driver in Formula One.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s been over a week now since you started smashing the system by not voting and so far the egalitarian utopia is going swimmingly.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Dipping laxatives in red food colouring and painting a little ‘M’ on them will give trick-or-treaters something to remember this Halloween.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It’s been a week since you broke up with your girlfriend so you decide it’s time to move on with your life. Letting go of her leg and ceasing your sobbing are your first steps.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
When asked to describe the difference between Armagnac and Cognac, the answer isn’t “Cognac’s on the lower shelf in Asda so it’s easier to pinch.”

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
SHABBA!