Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re furious that millions of pounds of Children In Need money has been spent on guns, alcohol and tobacco. You weren’t allowed any of that as a kid.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Falling off one log is easy, but the more of them there are, the more  exponentially difficult it gets. Log, d’you see? It’s a maths j…oh, never mind.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ve set up your own business betting comedians they can’t complete some arbitrary challenge over a twelve month period so they can write a show/book about it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Either the % counter on your Kindle is broken or you’re reading Marcel Proust.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Press Alt, Ctrl, Tab, Enter and Esc at the same time – something rather amazing happens. You realise how astoundingly gullible you are. Go on – microwave your phone, it’ll be awesome, I promise.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week will mostly be spent singing Demba Ba’s name to the tune of Malcolm Mclaren’s ‘Double Dutch’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No, trampoline isn’t a cleaning product you use on tramps.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There are lies, damned lies, and your phone’s claim to have full 3G signal.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You don’t believe in gay marriage. Remember, in the Bible it’s Esau and Aholibamah, not Esau and Staholibamah.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
No, I’m sure that was one of JLS that took you around the back of Argos the other night and cut your evening short because he had to catch the last bus home. Just like that time half of The Wanted  took you into the bogs in Nandos.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. Not you, mind. You’re a gobshite.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Zip it, shrimpy.

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Uruguay has weed and dolphins, say excited stoners

POTHEADS have been frantically booking flights after hearing about Uruguay’s weed/dolphins combination.

Shortly after the country legalised its marijuana trade, people who get high realised Uruguay is also home to dolphins.

Habitual smoker Tom Booker said: “Pot and dolphins go together like cheese and toast. Which coincidentally is another thing I really like.

“I’m going to get baked and go out in a boat and just commune with the dolphins, by which I mean stare at them.

“If we drift off course because we’re listening to dub reggae rather than checking co-ordinates there’s probably a coast guard or someone to retrieve us.

“It’ll be like The Big Blue. I fucking love that movie, it’s so cool.”