Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Youre furious that millions of pounds of Children In Need money has been spent on guns, alcohol and tobacco. You werent allowed any of that as a kid.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Falling off one log is easy, but the more of them there are, the more exponentially difficult it gets. Log, dyou see? Its a maths j oh, never mind.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Youve set up your own business betting comedians they cant complete some arbitrary challenge over a twelve month period so they can write a show/book about it.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Either the % counter on your Kindle is broken or youre reading Marcel Proust.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Press Alt, Ctrl, Tab, Enter and Esc at the same time – something rather amazing happens. You realise how astoundingly gullible you are. Go on microwave your phone, it’ll be awesome, I promise.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
This week will mostly be spent singing Demba Bas name to the tune of Malcolm Mclarens Double Dutch.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No, trampoline isnt a cleaning product you use on tramps.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There are lies, damned lies, and your phones claim to have full 3G signal.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You dont believe in gay marriage. Remember, in the Bible its Esau and Aholibamah, not Esau and Staholibamah.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
No, I’m sure that was one of JLS that took you around the back of Argos the other night and cut your evening short because he had to catch the last bus home. Just like that time half of The Wanted took you into the bogs in Nandos.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Everyones entitled to their opinion. Not you, mind. Youre a gobshite.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Zip it, shrimpy.