Christmas jumpers contain dangerous levels of irony

CONSUMERS have been warned about fashionable ‘bad jumpers’ which contain too many layers of irony.

Experts found seasonal knitwear can work on up to three layers of irony simultaneously, risking a potentially fatal ‘ironic loop’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “‘Red-and-white festive jumpers with crude reindeer patterns used to exist on just one mildly humorous level.

“Typically the wearer would be a middle-aged man who was vaguely aware of his own unfashionability but didn’t care especially as it was warm.

“Now though much fashionable clothing is at least partly ironic, so Christmas jumpers exist simultaneously within the hipster mode and the ‘fat uncle’ mindset.

“If you following me so far, you’re starting to understand how quantum irony works.

“The problem starts when you’ve got people who wear bad jumpers as a post-post modern comment on the post-modern obsession with recycling the extremities of bad taste as high fashion.

“That’s a minimum three levels of irony, the point at which knitwear becomes unstable on a sub-atomic level and heats up drastically, melting the wearer.”

Last week in Surrey a 36-year-old man died after a sweater featuring four reindeer, a log cabin and the phrase ‘Merry Christmas!’ turned into a molten hot red-and-green ooze.

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Comic Relief building huge cannon to fire Lenny Henry into Somalia

COMIC Relief will soon have the ability to launch strategic comedians.

Defending its investment in the arms industry, the charity said the partnership would create a cannon wide enough to accommodate Lenny Henry.

A spokesman said: “It will have a big wheel at the end so we can point it wherever Lenny is needed and get him there in less than 20 minutes.

“So if there is a crisis in Somalia, all the local population has to do is build a landing area out of mattresses.”

The spokesman added: “Many Somalians are already very familiar with this kind of technology, except this time it will be an explosion of laughter.”

Meanwhile, the investment strategy has been praised by experts for creating a ‘virtuous circle’ of war, famine and charity.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s as simple and beautiful as a big red nose.”