Hipsters condemn toppling of Lenin statue

THE destruction of a Lenin statue in the Ukraine has been condemned by hipsters who wanted it for their roof garden.

Style leaders who keep framed Soviet posters in their homes have petitioned the Ukraine to preserve all similar items for use as ironic centrepieces in converted Peckham warehouses.

Joseph Turner, a creative space facilitator, said: “The former Eastern Bloc countries are a goldmine of heroic art about problematic historical figures that would look sweet in my mini-courtyard.

“If the Ukraines want democracy or human rights or French-brewed organic coffee or whatever that’s cool, but lay off the redundant symbols of totalitarian regimes.

“I need one to drape fairy lights around instead of a tree.”

Julian Cook of Hoxton said: “The Soviets, Chairman Mao, Che Guevara; maybe they didn’t have all the right ideas politically, but they were visionaries of interior decoration and branding.

“Stalin may have been responsible for the deaths of millions – I’m not a historian, I upcycle discarded packing material into lamps – but the rusted iron statue of him in my double-height stairwell is a really arresting, powerful piece.

“It made my Hungarian cleaner break down weeping, which shows this art isn’t just for elitists.

“If only so much of the iconography of the Nazi regime hadn’t been destroyed by philistine bombing raids.”

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NSA feared invasion by orcs

WORLD of Warcraft was monitored by NSA agents to assess the risk of orcs invading mainland America, it has been confirmed.

The online contraceptive features ten million users, making them the world’s second-largest standing army behind North Korea.

US agents feared they could have banded together to hit bits of the internet with their swords.

Pretend goblin Wayne Hayes of the Hellfire Citadel and Carlisle said: “I have +7 insurgence and the Helm Of Civil Unrest so I can see why they would fear me.

“My cabal of warriors and I could have rained down a storm of destruction, so long as it didn’t take more than the four hours online my mum has rationed me to each evening.”

The decision to target the game came after the discovery that Osama Bin Laden, was once a level 47 Mage called Sulayman The Infidel Destroyer and that a 2009 bomb plot was in retaliation for a failed Alzin The Wildshaper quest.

Spies infiltrating the game were spotted in taverns recruiting for anti-democracy quests for which players would only be rewarded after their demise.

Their failure to assimilate was also blamed on their chosen avatars of a white man in chinos and a blazer, with user names such as JEdgarHoover236.

NSA agent Tom Logan said: “I’ve heard terrorists have definitely got themselves the new PS4 and FIFA too, so I’ll be working from home on that for the next three months.”