Guardian begins annual ruining of Christmas

THE Guardian newspaper has launched its annual appeal to make you feel dreadful about Christmas.

Unveiling a miserable George Monbiot article about how we are all going to die of starvation, the paper pledged to ‘gnaw at our readers’ consciences like they will gnaw at the bones of horribly abused poultry’.

The paper is lining up a series of nasty, depressing yuletide features including excerpts from Jonathan Freedland’s new book It is Not a Wonderful Life, Polly Toynbee’s Guide to Turning a Nice Christmas Dinner into an Argument About Universal Benefits and an Owen Jones article about reactionary toys made by lovely, tiny dogs.

A spokesman said: “The only good thing capitalism has ever done is to turn Christmas into a secular indulgence instead of a credulous rehashing of manipulative, Iron Age fairy stories.

“We’re going to put that on a tea towel that you can give to your gran.”

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Facebook launches Schadenfreude button

FACEBOOK has launched a feature allowing people to express pleasure when friends post bad news.

Many users had been anxious about being misconstrued as sympathetic for liking posts about illness, house buying problems or pet death.

A spokesman said: “The success of our social network is built on the satisfaction users get from seeing old enemies and rivals fail. I’m actually amazed it has taken us this long to fully exploit that fact.”

She added: “When a poster gets over 10 Schadenfreude clicks, we can send an automated message to their listed spouse or partner highlighting how unpopular they are.

“We then offer them a breakup pack where we change their relationship status for them and send their now ex-partner a sad bear emoji.”

Facebook user Tom Logan commented: “My mate is just about to get divorced – well, I say mate, he fingered my girlfriend when we were 17 and they ended up getting married – so this couldn’t have come at a better time.”