Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve shredded a Christmas card and thrown one fragment of it into the air. Merry Homeopathic Christmas, Everyone In The World!

bobinsideCapricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve bought a joke ‘mistletoe belt buckle’ for work but will wear it back to front so everyone can queue up to kiss your arse.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
To do list: 1: Get a friend called Steph 2: Get a friend called Dennis 3: Set them up on a date. 4: Sing DON’T IT MAKE YA FEEL GOOD? at them.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After hearing that the victim continually used the word ‘crimble’ in a conversation, the judge drops all the charges against you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The longest journey starts with a single step. And a fear that you’ve left the heating on.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Don’t rake up old grudges at your forthcoming family gathering. Make up a load of new stuff to go absolutely fucking mental about – it’s what your granddad would have wanted.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Friday: Accidentally squirted Bonjela into your boxer shorts. Numbnuts.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name. Not to mention archery tuition.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re quite right that Rome wasn’t built in a day but I imagine that even whilst wearing a toga they managed to mow the fucking lawn once in a while.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your loneliness reaches new levels today as you start your ‘Leave Packaging Feedback’ comment for Amazon with “I was wondering whether you fancied a pint some time…”

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s a difficult social situation – deciding whether to write your neighbours a Christmas card or continue ignoring them like you have done the previous 23 years.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Dubbadubbadumdum, dubbadubbadum, dubbadumdumdubbadum, dubbadubbadum. God, my guts are off.