Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Youve shredded a Christmas card and thrown one fragment of it into the air. Merry Homeopathic Christmas, Everyone In The World!
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Youve bought a joke mistletoe belt buckle for work but will wear it back to front so everyone can queue up to kiss your arse.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
To do list: 1: Get a friend called Steph 2: Get a friend called Dennis 3: Set them up on a date. 4: Sing DON’T IT MAKE YA FEEL GOOD? at them.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After hearing that the victim continually used the word crimble in a conversation, the judge drops all the charges against you.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The longest journey starts with a single step. And a fear that you’ve left the heating on.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Don’t rake up old grudges at your forthcoming family gathering. Make up a load of new stuff to go absolutely fucking mental about it’s what your granddad would have wanted.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Friday: Accidentally squirted Bonjela into your boxer shorts. Numbnuts.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name. Not to mention archery tuition.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re quite right that Rome wasn’t built in a day but I imagine that even whilst wearing a toga they managed to mow the fucking lawn once in a while.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your loneliness reaches new levels today as you start your Leave Packaging Feedback comment for Amazon with I was wondering whether you fancied a pint some time
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Its a difficult social situation deciding whether to write your neighbours a Christmas card or continue ignoring them like you have done the previous 23 years.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Dubbadubbadumdum, dubbadubbadum, dubbadumdumdubbadum, dubbadubbadum. God, my guts are off.