Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve shredded a Christmas card and thrown one fragment of it into the air. Merry Homeopathic Christmas, Everyone In The World!

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve bought a joke ‘mistletoe belt buckle’ for work but will wear it back to front so everyone can queue up to kiss your arse.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
To do list: 1: Get a friend called Steph 2: Get a friend called Dennis 3: Set them up on a date. 4: Sing DON’T IT MAKE YA FEEL GOOD? at them.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After hearing that the victim continually used the word ‘crimble’ in a conversation, the judge drops all the charges against you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The longest journey starts with a single step. And a fear that you’ve left the heating on.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Don’t rake up old grudges at your forthcoming family gathering. Make up a load of new stuff to go absolutely fucking mental about – it’s what your granddad would have wanted.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Friday: Accidentally squirted Bonjela into your boxer shorts. Numbnuts.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name. Not to mention archery tuition.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re quite right that Rome wasn’t built in a day but I imagine that even whilst wearing a toga they managed to mow the fucking lawn once in a while.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your loneliness reaches new levels today as you start your ‘Leave Packaging Feedback’ comment for Amazon with “I was wondering whether you fancied a pint some time…”

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s a difficult social situation – deciding whether to write your neighbours a Christmas card or continue ignoring them like you have done the previous 23 years.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Dubbadubbadumdum, dubbadubbadum, dubbadumdumdubbadum, dubbadubbadum. God, my guts are off.

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London to explore ‘no airport’ option

THE commission studying London’s airport needs has been urged to consider no airports at all.

Experts said the ‘zero runways’ option would the cheapest, quietest and most environmentally friendly because it would just be some houses, fields and a scattering of friendly horses, instead of a massive, noisy concrete nightmare, full of unremitting ghastliness.

Julian Cook, a transport consultant from Richmond, said: ““If people are determined to come to London they can strap on a parachute and fall out of an airplane.

““The capital will be encircled by a dozen designated ‘drop zones’. Once you hit the ground you make your way to the nearest main road where the ‘ParaBus’ will pick you up and take you to a train station.””

The plan allows for six ‘drops’ per day and a dedicated part-time rescue team for passengers who end up getting mangled in a tree.

Cook added: ““The one issue the process has failed to address is why so many people are coming to London and if that should be allowed to continue.

““The financial, political and media industries are populated by the worst people in the world. We need less of them, not more.

“”The only other people coming to London are gap-toothed provincial cretins, wearing shiny garments and clutching tickets for embarrassing West End shows.

““Stay where you are, you pitiful monsters and spend your pennies on dentistry and fruit.””