Cats into people humour

CATS love any quirky and winsome humour associated with people, it has emerged.

Researchers found that many cats are obsessed by what they consider to be the comic aspects of human behaviour.

Most cats find routine Homo sapiens activity like putting on a hat or lying on a bed to be revealing of some hilarious, imaginary aspect of our character.

Cat Nikki Hollis said: “Everything you do delights me to an insane extent.

“I’ve got hundreds of porcelain figures of humans doing all those loveable things humans do, like driving a car, or sitting at a desk using a computer in an adorable little shirt and tie.

“I’ve also got loads of human cuddly toys. My favourite is one of a person dressed as a policeman. I mean, who thinks of this stuff?

“The best thing is when a human asks for some food in a grammatically inaccurate manner.”

She added: “I’m not sure where the urge to obsessively collect things to do with people comes from, but I’m single, live alone, and don’t have any kittens.”

Cat Denys Finch Hatton said: “Our amusement at the eccentricities of human behaviour may be a way of switching off from our primal and sadistic natures which are obsessed by sex, killing and torture.

“Or maybe we’re just bored with our empty consumerist lives.”

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Ashes loss happened too far away to count

ENGLAND’S reported loss to Australia in The Ashes has been discounted because it took place on the other side of the world.

The defeat, which may not even have happened yet because of time zones, is widely thought not to matter because of the distance involved.

An ICC spokesman said: “It may as well have happened on the moon.

“Travellers from far-off lands often say funny things about sea serpents, ridiculous animals that leap high into the air and, in this case, a win of 150 runs in the Third Test.

“Messages get mistranslated on their long journey around the globe, and clearly ‘England win in landslide against mud-spattered colonials’ has been garbled in transit.”

Cricket fan Denys Finch Hatton said: “If a cricket game is played and there are no sober people to witness it, did it really happen? I’d argue not.

“All ashes look pretty much the same. Probably the Australians woke up around an extinguished barbecue and, seeing its remains with no memory of the day before, wrongly thought themselves victorious.”

Joseph Turner of Kent agreed: “If we had indeed received such a drubbing then the entire nation would be in mourning, with not a smile or laugh throughout our land.

“To suggest otherwise is to say the sport of cricket is ignored by the majority of the country, which is obviously not the case.”