Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Nobody could ever accuse you of reading too much into things or, indeed, reading.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) 
You should take time each day to gather your thoughts. Twelve seconds should do it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Oh, sure, a rabbit’s foot on a key ring is ‘lucky’ but a severed head worn as a pendant is ‘scaring the kids’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
When God closes a door, he opens a window, proving that he moves in a mysterious way even when he’s just nipping out to the shops.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After failing to inject a little romance back into your relationship you try again, this time replacing ‘romance’ with ‘heroin’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
No news from Channel Four on your idea for a new soap opera about people hitting cars with a hammer called ‘Car Hammer Hitting People’. Is it the title they don’t like?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It may just be coincidence, but as the progressive arthritis in your hands has twisted your index and middle finger around each other, you’ve become a lot more lucky.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Friday you’ll have an awkward moment when your teenage daughter comes home from university with her first boyfriend, mainly because you’ve changed the locks and rented her room out.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You reek of Taurus. What on earth have you been doing?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Spring is nearly here and once more the sap is rising. Fetch a cloth.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The final page of your autograph book is filled this week with the signature of the high-profile judge that serves you with a non-molestation order.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Please Note: Importance of life not actual size.

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British men in Barcelona shirts hoping you'll ask

THE PUBLIC has been warned not to approach men wearing Barcelona shirts who clearly have no ethnic affiliation to the Catalan region.

The men, usually aged between 25 and 50, are rated a category 5 risk of telling you at length why they personally identify with the continental model of play.

Inspector Tom Booker said: “Any man in a football shirt suffers from the delusion that he is imbued with the qualities of their famous wearers, hence the popularity of Beckham tops with blonde-moustached salesmen even today.

“But men in Barcelona shirts, who believe that their sartorial choice associates them with the insouciant, free-passing artfulness that has conquered an era, are particularly dangerous right now.

“The Manchester City game, despite being a battle between roughly equal mixes of Europeans and South Americans managed by two non-natives, will see these men primed and ready. Do not approach them.”

The men are, perversely, most visible in locations with the greatest contrast to the stunning coastal city, like Barnsley, Mansfield, Swindon and Middlesbrough, and are thick on the ground because of large numbers of migrating former United supporters.

Nathan Muir, wearing a Xavi top, said: “Building slowly from the back, being calm and precise in the middle and finishing with dazzling flair is, coincidentally, how I make love to women.

“At least it is this season. From August I’m a Bayern Munich fan.”