Berners-Lee demands internet is free, open to all and has more bulldog videos

THE inventor of the internet has said that it must remain free of government interference and have more videos with bulldogs in.

Speaking at a press conference for the web’s 25th anniversary, Tim Berners-Lee said: “The web has revolutionised how we live, but it must not become a tool for state surveillance.

“Also, people should do more bulldog videos. Cats are fine, I like cats, but bulldogs have these amazing faces – they look just like grumpy old men!

“I want to see a video where a bulldog is asleep in a basket, another bulldog comes in and licks its face, then the first bulldog wakes up suddenly, scrambles to its feel and runs straight into a door. Why has nobody done that yet?

“Maybe in the next 25 years.”

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Oh shit, say tube drivers

LONDON tube drivers have admitted that the game may be up.

As the only union leader most people under 40 have ever heard of died, tube drivers said Bob Crow was the one person standing between them and trains driven by robot slaves.

Martin Bishop, a driver from Peckham, said: “I would very much like the RMT to advertise – immediately – for a New Person to Scare the Shit Out of Capitalists.

“However, I suspect it may now be time for me to drive a taxi.”

Meanwhile, across Britain opinion was divided between those who thought Bob Crow was really good at his job and those who thought he was really good at his job.

Crow’s supporters said he defended workers’ rights, while his opponents said he brought London to a standstill, leading experts to point out that both of those things are ‘comparatively rare’.

Julian Cook, professor of arguments at Roehampton University, said: “Most modern trade union leaders are actually just a made-up name and some spokesmen working in shifts.

“Also, do you have any idea how difficult it is to make Londoners talk about someone other than themselves?”

Wayne Hayes, an investment banker, said: “He brought the world’s most capitalist city to its knees on several occasions. I couldn’t do that and I genuinely believe I’m worth two million quid a year.”

Nathan Muir, a geography teacher, added: “If David Cameron and the Daily Mail think you’re not even remotely dangerous then you might want to ask yourself what the fuck you’re doing.”

London mayor Boris Johnson said he was sad to hear of Bob Crow’s death, but stressed that he would now be able to remove the waterproof mattress cover from his bed.