How to shave seconds off your commute by being a rude, pushy arsehole

SO you’re walking through a train station and someone is coming in the opposite direction and headed right for you.

The human thing would be for you both to split difference so you don’t collide. But you’re not human you’re a timelord. You are the master of time. Stay on course. This is a game of chicken and you are going to win.

Now, imagine you’re at the platform and a train has arrived. People are lining up either side of the doors. Ignore politeness and basic physics by standing in front of the doors like a psychopath. Sure, this makes everything slower as you’re in the way of people getting off the train, but this isn’t about being literally quicker, it’s about creating a quicker ‘vibe’.

You’ve stepped onto the train, there’s space to move into, but stay close to the doors so that you can get off quickly at your stop. Don’t move, even if it stops someone else from being able to get on. If you start to feel guilty just tell yourself “Their journey is not my journey”.

Whatever you do, don’t take your rucksack off. And try to use as much space as physically possible, really stretch out. But how will that make you faster? Well it’ll piss everyone off, increasing the stress hormones in their bloodstream and in turn slowing their reactions. And if they’re slower, then what are you?