I thought everyone had a cleaner

By Eleanor Shaw

I SUPPORT social progress, justice and anti-authoritarianism. But I haven’t got time for squeezing Harpic down the loo, who has?

My important media job starts at 10am. There’s hardly space in my schedule to think up the ‘right’ moral values to impress people at dinner parties, which is why I’m not embarrassed that a foreign lady cleans my bog.

As an enlightened progressive woman, I always chat to the Ocado driver as an equal (I do the same with children and animals). But I can’t do small talk, put the tiger prawns in the fridge and be expected to sling a hoover around like some sort of stylish domestic octopus.

Besides my cleaner loves her job and said there are no objective grounds for preferring a particular culture’s moral values. Or as she put it ‘Miss Eleanor, in Bulgaria no problem.’ 

Plus I give her £10 an hour cash, on the condition she works every minute of every hour and always gives the microwave a deep intensive clean.

But to those who call me a privileged hypocrite and mock my ‘media tears’ I say this: I just genuinely thought everyone had a cleaner. 

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Everyone secretly wishing they were watching telly with the curtains shut

PEOPLE pretending to enjoy the sun by playing Frisbee and having barbecues would much rather be indoors watching Poldark, it has emerged.

The continuing heatwave is making people feel obliged to spend excessive amounts of time outdoors, when they usually only expose themselves to natural light on the short journey between the house and the car.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I like to complain about the miserable weather in this country as much as the next person, but at least endless pissing rain is a great excuse to stay in and masturbate.

“But in this sunshine I feel duty-bound to be outside doing things I’d never usually do, like attempting to play volleyball or drinking white wine spritzers.

“I suspect that most people are secretly feeling they’d rather be staring at the telly while putting crisps into their mouth, but would also feel like killjoys if they admitted it. Maybe I should be the first to speak out and then we could all be free from the tyranny of pretending to enjoy the sun.”

He later added: “Well, I spoke to my girlfriend. She told me to stop being such a miserable fucker.”