Is nowhere safe for me to grope women anymore?

By a Presidents Club ‘Platinum Member’

THE exposure of the groping and sexual harrassment of woman at a private President’s Club dinner has scandalised the media.

But as an attendee, it has left me with a single burning question: is nowhere safe for me to grope anymore?

I mean come on. This was a doors-closed, men-only event where all the hostesses were well-remunerated for being treated as sexual objects, and it’s still not okay? That is mental.

I’ve got used to the prohibition against giving my PA a quick titting-up as part of her ordinary duties at work. Reluctantly, I’ve accepted that not every woman on the Tube wants my hand cupping her buttocks. I get it. Times change.

But seriously? A private event, where all the women attending were chosen specifically to be groped? Surely groping is okay there. Surely women can’t ask to be treated with respect and dignity everywhere they go.

Already the Playboy Mansion is no more. Berlusconi’s bunga bunga parties have been sadly curtailed. Even in Northern nightclubs, women slap your face just for a spontaneous fanny-grab.

Like Donald Trump, I am a wealthy, powerful man. And, also like Donald Trump, there must be a space for me to grope attractive young ladies without going to the unnecessary, and distasteful, extreme, like Donald trump, of hiring actual escorts.

I  beg you, don’t demean me by forcing me to that.

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Phil Neville’s guide to women

WOMEN, eh? Can’t be left alone with ‘em, can’t honestly believe that coaching them in football is worthwhile. Here’s my guide to the fairer sex:

You can almost always identify a woman by sight once you know what to look for, but if in doubt don’t be afraid to ask. After all, they know better than you do!

Certain sexist players divide women into three types: WAGs, slags and other. But I have learned that the ‘other’ category actually has several subdivisions in itself, perhaps as many as 16.

Scientists have proven that women do not experience friendship like we do, being unable to physically withstand banter. Instead they form bonds based on crying and/or urination. Respect that.

Never run at a woman. Trust me on this. Even in controlled conditions in the grounds of my estate it has not once worked.

When trying to think like a woman, I have a rule: WWDB07D? or What Would David Beckham Do? Because Becks’s thought process, being driven by the twin engines of vanity and greed, is very like those of a woman, and so is his wife’s.

Normally you’ll encounter women singly, or in pairs, but in larger groups their behaviour can be less predictable or even dangerous. To this end I’ll be training the squad in groups of three and forbidding them to meet.

Don’t let them see Gary or any photos of Gary, even as punishment. Honestly it isn’t worth it. They’ll be shaking for days.