Wednesday, 19th February 2020

The celebrity’s guide to shagging someone much younger

ARE you a celebrity with lots of money who fancies going out with someone much younger? It’s a great idea that can never go wrong, so here’s how to do it.

Aim for a ridiculous age gap You’re clearly going to be together for ages, so opt for a much younger girlfriend or toyboy to avoid the hassle of replacing them in 10 years.

Don’t worry about having totally different interests Opposites attract, so it's absolutely fine if you’re into things like fishing or staying in to watch A Touch of Frost and they think that David Jason has been dead for at least 20 years.

Dress to impress It’s important to pretend you’re young, and that means super-tight skinny jeans. Ideally you should resemble a figure a small child has made from a knobbly potato with pipe cleaners for legs.

Try not to be deeply strange in private In the unlikely event of you splitting up it’s possible your partner will reveal personal details to the press. Stop doing things like saving money-off coupons despite having £5 million in the bank, or referring to your penis as ‘the love baguette’.