The toughest part of being a millennial is writing all these shitty columns about it

By a Young(ish) Person wearing a hat

MILLENNIALS have been priced out of the property market, crippled by tuition fees and now there’s another problem to add to our list of woes – finding a new angle for your next article about millennials.

Previous generations didn’t have to worry about losing a freelance writing gig because their latest column was ‘a bit similar’ to some bollocks they did for The Times called ‘The rules of dating for millennials’.

The fact is most older people have never experienced the stress of trying to think of three different columns about millennials that aren’t ‘samey bullshit’, as my features editor calls it.

It’s all very well getting commissioned by the New Statesman to write ‘Millennial ladies can’t afford to lunch’, but have you used up valuable material you might need for next week’s Observer article, ‘Do people look down on millennials for bringing their own sandwiches to work’?

Take yesterday. I had a great idea for an article about why millennials are leaving Facebook in droves, only to discover some bastard had already pitched ‘Why Millennials are leaving WhatsApp in droves’. Even The Guardian and Puzzle and Wordsearch Weekly turned me down.

I believe we need a government awareness campaign about the pressures of writing columns about millennials. I’d go into more detail but I’m on a 4pm deadline with ‘Millennial talcum: Babies are a luxury for my generation’.

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School holiday parents developing thousand yard stares

EVEN the hardest of parents are developing a blank gaze during the latter stages of the school holidays, it has emerged.

As the enforced period of time spent with their children drags on into its fifth weary week, battle-scarred parents are reporting symptoms that include tremors and a lack of responsiveness to external stimuli.

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “I went into the school holidays with a gung-ho attitude, because I came through Easter a little bloody, but mainly unbowed.

“However, I think I must have blocked out the experience of last year’s summer break, perhaps due to the trauma involved, because I have felt completely unprepared for the seemingly endless brutality of the last few weeks.

“We’ve had the Battle of Can We Go To Legoland?, the Siege of the Naughty Step and the Tantrums in the Middle of Tesco Campaign. It’s true what they say about war being boredom punctuated by moments of terror.

“Both my husband and I have been tempted to desert our posts, but we’re ultimately loyal and have developed a strong sense of camaraderie with all the other troops that we meet in the trenches. And by trenches, I mean the local playground.”

Hollis added: “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.”