Sunday, 8th December 2019

What dickish notes are you leaving for people?

DO you like leaving aggressive notes for people in a variety of situations? Here are some great issues to raise with them in furious scrawled rants.

Office kitchen gripes Hugely overreact to a couple of unwashed mugs and plates, eg. ‘Will the IDIOT who leaves their mug in the sink show some RESPECT for OTHERS??? I am SICK of your SELFISH STUPIDITY!!!’. Make it genuinely threatening, as if you may actually slam someone’s head in the dishwasher door, Joe Pesci-style, until blood and teeth are everywhere.

Parking disputes Don’t restrict yourself to actual bad parking, leave obscenity-filled notes on ANY vehicle briefly parked on ‘your’ bit of road or pavement. For maximum dickishness also target ambulances and fire engines, even if it’s hard to see with all the smoke coming from that burning house.

Anything to do with wheelie bins The w*nker neighbour’s grievance par excellence. Really hassle people over unlikely scenarios, for example, ‘Please LABEL your bin or it may get confused with MINE and I will BILL YOU for a REPLACEMENT if it goes missing.’

Something inconsiderate you plan to do Inform the people in your flats about some deeply annoying behaviour you’ve got planned, such as looking after six rottweilers for a fortnight, or rehearsals for your Stomp tribute act.

Anonymous workplace threats These should be very petty, eg. ‘Lisa. Some of us feel you are taking the mickey with your frequent toilet breaks. Don’t make us take it any further.’ It’s the modern-day equivalent of a poison pen letter so aim to make the victim as worried as a 1940s housewife reading the words, ‘Edna. I may have to tell your husband about your fancy man.’

Anything you are too chicken to resolve in person If you’re staying in holiday flats, don’t simply ask the family next door if they could make less noise and discover they’re really nice. Instead leave a nasty guilt-tripping note, eg. ‘Thanks for RUINING our holiday!!! Today our youngest CRIED until her ASTHMA came on, so we hope you’re PLEASED ABOUT THAT!!!’