Which terrible BBC dramas are your parents recommending?

WHICH abysmal BBC dramas are your parents most obsessed by? Here are their top picks.

Close Protection

After an hour of dirty bombs and “I want London on lockdown – NOW!” you realise they only watch this because your parents once saw the lead actress in a shop and now it’s like they have a weird spiritual connection. Apparently she’s also in Dead Body Analysis Team which is ‘a bit gory’.

The Peaks

Bland drama set in the Peak District where the main storylines are about divorce, inheritance tax and a man who steals eggs. Your parents watch it with the sound turned down and just look at the scenery.

Crime Web

Deeply unrealistic series about a police unit tackling internet crime. Utterly gripping to your parents because they think computers really can lock you in your house and boil you to death with the central heating.  

Veg Haulers

Gritty ‘contemporary issue’ drama set in the world of supermarket delivery drivers. The edgy realism includes Dennis Waterman smashing up a phone box because he dropped a box of plums.

The Plunketts of Dorsetshire Downs

18th century toss that your dad loves to watch so that he can point out the historical errors, although he is right that kids never actually died of nits like Little Hettie does. Also every character has a dark secret and it is always either that they killed a sailor or used to be a prostitute.

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The Guardian reader's guide to making sure your child doesn't fit in at school

ARE you a middle-class parent who wants to make their child seem pretentious and unusual when they go back to school? Follow our guide.

Give them a weird packed lunch

Include things like carrot sticks, Swedish fish balls and artisan oat bran powder. It’s doubly healthy because no other child will swap flageolet bean salad for Monster Munch.

Make them look ridiculous

Perhaps an ethnic hat with earflaps for boys, or a dress for girls that looks as if they’ve timewarped from the 1970s. Also acceptable: sandals, dungarees, anything you made yourself from a sack.

Give them terrible advice about bullies

If confronted by a bully, instruct your child to say something like: “You are disrespecting my educational rights as a citizen of this school.” This will end the bullying right there and then.

Buy them too much educational equipment

Guardian children should have to lug bags heaving with protractor sets, packed pencil cases and extra textbooks they won’t actually need. These can then be thrown onto the roof of the science block by older hard children.

Coach them to ask annoying questions

Give your kids homeschooling in which they are encouraged to constantly demand more knowledge, causing them to drive real teachers up the wall with questions like “How many types of wasp are there?” and “Why is there a sky?”

Make sure they share your dreary ethical concerns

There’s nothing busy teachers like more than a miniature Guardian reader asking “Does the school have a policy on biodegradable cups?”.