Everyone planning to set off a bit early for Christmas to avoid traffic

EVERY single person is planning to set off a day early for Christmas in order to avoid heavy traffic, it has emerged.

With roads set to be hell over the coming days, everyone has cleverly decided to beat the Christmas getaway rush by setting off slightly earlier than everyone else in order to enjoy a stress-free journey.

Wayne Hayes, who will be driving from Portsmouth to Peterborough, said: “This genius plan only works if nobody else has the same obvious idea. It’s bulletproof.

“I can only imagine how quiet the A3 will be. I’ll probably be able to keep the kids entertained by taking my hands off the wheel and safely swerving between the empty lanes for a bit of fun.”

Donna Sheridan from Lancaster said: “I’m driving all the way to Newquay, which is usually a ballache at this time of year. But by setting off a few hours earlier I’ll definitely do it in record time.

“What could go wrong? It’s not like the motorways will be gridlocked with festive travellers. Everyone knows that only happens on Christmas Eve, which is why everyone tries to avoid driving then.

“Shit, I’m basically f**ked for not driving down in November, aren’t I?”

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A Wonderfully Walking Dead Christmas: Six Christmas TV specials that need to be made

IF The Great British Sewing Bee can get a Christmas special, The Walking Dead deserves one. These should be watched annually by families:

Lost for the Holidays

The survivors of the plane crash in Lost wake up to find the jingle of sleigh bells in the air and snow falling across the island. They follow reindeer footprints back to a grotto where Father Christmas himself is there to give them all presents. And like the majority of stunning Lost twists, after this episode it is never mentioned again.

Can’t Pay? We’ll Take It Away… at Christmas!

Baffling that no seasonal special of this show about bailiffs confiscating the goods of the poor was never produced. Imagine burly men wrestling toys from crying children’s hands, turkeys thrown on the floor as ovens are removed, whole families evicted on Christmas Eve. Regular viewers of this show have and it made them very, very hard.

A Wonderfully Walking Dead Christmas

The survivors have holed up in an abandoned shopping mall, where Rick is despairing of ever finding safety. Realising it is Christmas Eve, his friends sneak out overnight and decorate an entire horde of zombies in baubles and fairy lights as a festive surprise. His faith in humanity restored, Rick puts on a Santa outfit and kills them all with an axe.

Our Christmas Planet

Forced to do a Christmas-themed nature documentary for the ratings, a clearly disgusted Sir David Attenborough narrates footage of axolotls and cassowaries and capybaras doing their usual stuff which he claims they’re doing for Christmas. Can be heard swigging neat cognac and muttering ‘the things I f**king do for this f**king planet’ throughout.

Season’s Succession

A board meeting is held on Christmas Day and the Roy family battle each other for control of Waystar, like every other episode but with a Christmas tree in one corner of the boardroom. Fans fall over themselves to call it the best Christmas special ever as if there’s a billion dollars awarded for the most naked fawning.

Christmas Strictly’s Christmas Strictly Christmas

The long-running series of Strictly Come Dancing Christmas specials get their own Christmas special more Christmassy than Christmas itself. Pixie Lott dances with a real live reindeer! Gemma Atkinson tangos in a constantly shaking snowglobe! Across the country, the neurons devoted to Christmas joy overload and burn out! Nobody viewing this will ever enjoy Christmas again!