Sock fetishist absolutely gagging for horniest day of the year

A MAN with a sexual proclivity for socks is eagerly anticipating Christmas Day, which for him is the horniest 24 hours of the year.

Martin Bishop, 48, has been sexually aroused by the foot garments since he was a teenager and discovered the firm erotic grip of a nice warm sock.

Bishop said: “There’s something about a comfortable sock which makes me go hard as a steel piston. Put a foot in there and I am frothing at the mouth.

“Due to lazy present-buying, Christmas Day is wall-to-wall socks. It might as well be an orgy as far as I am concerned. So little blood goes to my brain I’ve almost passed out by the time the turkey’s ready.

“Knowing I’m inevitably going to be given at least three pairs is enough to keep me awake until then, furiously masturbating every night over patterned men’s ones, hunky, athletic sports socks, you name it.

“I don’t care if I get stupid novelty socks. They still give me an uncontrollable boner and I’m not ashamed to say I have spilled my seed over Wallace and Gromit.”

Bishop’s mother Wendy said: “Whenever a family member moans about getting a pair of socks, Martin snatches them off them, tells the relative not to be ungrateful and starts frantically licking his lips like Gollum, which can be unsettling.

“Yes, he’s a disgusting little pervert I’m ashamed to call my son. But on the other hand he is very easy to buy Christmas presents for.”

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Sunak dreading in-laws' questions about when he will achieve something with his life

RISHI Sunak is dreading being grilled by his in‑laws over when he intends to get a proper job with prospects during the Christmas holiday.

His father-in-law, Narayana Murthy, founder of Infosys, India’s second-largest IT company, has a number of probing questions lined up for Christmas dinner and the rest of the holiday season.

Murthy said: “When I was his age, Infosys was already worth several billion dollars. Yet what has that deadbeat Rishi done? Lost my daughter’s non-dom tax status and looked like a twat who can’t even put petrol in a hatchback.

“When I first heard Rishi had become prime minister I was delighted. But he’s so hopeless I doubt he’s going to last another couple of months. Hasn’t he thought about the long-term? What’s his career plan? 

“He isn’t even elected. I’ve told him it’s no good sitting on your backside – when I was a young man you had to get out there and ask for a democratic mandate. But will he listen? No. He just goes on about how Rwanda will fix everything. The lad’s living in a bloody dreamworld.

“Don’t get me wrong, Rishi’s a bright chap. Well, supposedly. I’ve not seen any evidence. I’m going to tell him straight out – give up this little politics phase, you’re no good at it, and get serious.

“I can find him a good, steady job with Infosys. I’m thinking of our call centre, and if that doesn’t pan out something more at his level of competence – tidying up the staff coffee lounge?”