THERE’S always one dickhead at a party who wants to demonstrate they can throw some shapes. Here are some of the types who gravitate to the centre of a dance floor.
Woman who insists on twerking
Twerking can be a wonderful and freeing expression of uninhibited sexuality. However, this woman is not Cardi B or Lizzo, she’s someone who has spent too much time on YouTube and is now jiggling erratically around like she’s trying to scratch a hard-to-reach itch without using her hands.
Man staggering around with a pint
The unshakeable confidence of the man and his pint has a certain allure. His shoes are slippery with spilt Stella and it’s a miracle he’s standing, yet he is owning that dance floor. Unfortunately it won’t be long until he pukes on it, and ruins everyone else’s evening.
Woman who trained as a dancer
Maybe you’re just jealous of her talent, but this woman’s precisely choreographed routine to Rihanna’s Umbrella reeks of narcissism. She’s doing the sort of graceful leaps you’d usually only see at the ballet, but combining them with street dance moves, and she looks amazing. Everyone claps while secretly hating her.
Man who does the worm
While the worm looks good, it takes up an awful lot of space, so this guy has relegated everyone else to the edges of the dance floor while he flops around like a seal having an aneurysm. It gets boring very quickly, as he finds out when a pissed up lad trips over his feet and threatens to lamp him.
Musical theatre enthusiast
This young man has seen Hamilton seven times and been in an amateur production of Rent, and he’s step-ball-changing his way all around the dance floor to prove it. If he has any friends with him then you should probably leave now, before you murder them all for being so insufferably dickish and annoying.
Woman who knows the steps to everything
Saturday Night? The Macarena? Agadoo? The Time Warp? If a song has steps, this woman knows them. Which is fine when she’s doing them by herself, but when she attempts to make you sit down on a sticky, dirty floor to do the rowing dance to Oops Upside Your Head, you are well within your rights to tell her to get f**ked.